It’s been quite a while, I know.
Since my dad passed away in May of this year, I’ve been trying to navigate a loss, a place that is still very unfamiliar to me. I’ve never been here before. And I don’t like it at all. Re-learning to live in a what feels like an alternate universe is extremely weird & uncomfortable. And although he feels very far away today, he still feels close enough to be able to reach. Like he’s just on a very long vacation & he’ll be coming home soon. I know that’s not the reality of things, but it still feels that way.
I knew it was going to be difficult, losing a parent. Especially one that’s your best friend. It still is. And even though my family & I had time to say our goodbyes, I’m afraid it didn’t make it any easier. We got 9 months from the time of his diagnosis until his physical body gave out. I am grateful we had the time to express our feelings, thoughts, fear, love, etc. I am grateful I got to tell my dad how much I admired and loved him–even though this is something I consistently told him throughout the years. . The conversations we had were absolutely the most difficult, but necessary. I am grateful I was able to grasp at some kind of closure-even though my heart aches daily for him to be here Because even though you have that closure-you still live with every accomplishment, success, dream, or celebration without them.
Yes, it’s been nearly 8 months to the day my sweet dad left this Earth to go to his heavenly home- but I still live with that grief everyday. I am walking through the muck of trying to find peace. But life just feels weird now. And also strange that the world and everyone in it just expects you to be “fine” & “good” at a certain point. They stop asking how you’re doing, they stop caring. And life goes on. As if there is a timeline for this sort of thing. And all I have to say to that is, why don’t you come to me once you’ve lost a parent–and we’ll see how you feel about that statement then. It’s so incredibly different to see someone who is grieving and think you understand them… and then to be on the other side of that as the one who has a hole in your heart that leaves a deep unexplainable ache. It’s one of those things you can’t truly understand until you’re walking through it.
Anyway, I guess I came here just to let that out. Because I’m tired of people thinking they know better. I get they’re trying to help, but in that sense it becomes worse.
Also came to say,
If anyone is grieving, you’re allowed all the time in the world that you need.
That people grieve differently and at different paces.
That it’s okay if you’re not okay.
& if people don’t understand, so be it.
Spend moments throughout the day remembering your loved one.
Talk to them.
Write to them.
Cry to them.
& I truly believe they’re listening.
My pops told me before he left he’d come watch over me & make sure people were being good to his “Sweet Michelle”. & he has. He’s met me in my dreams dozens of times. Some make me sad with heartache, but others make me beam with joy in knowing he kept his promise.
Holding you closer than most,