Resistance.

I haven’t really felt like myself lately.

A huge part of that has to deal with the loss of my father this spring, I also think it may have something to do with me turning 30 a few short days ago.

Whenever I have a “big” and defining birthday, I always spend a couple of days in meditation & reflection. I go off the grid, really just turning off the notifications on my phone… I’ll journal & ask questions those big questions I’ll think about from time to time. You know the ones… like, “How come I’m not married with kids yet?” “Why haven’t I truly gone after my dream job yet? & if I do, what will it take of me?” Especially since the one I’m at doesn’t make me happy or gives me that feeling of purpose. “Why don’t I have more money put away in savings?” The list goes & on, but you get the picture.

I’ve also been more withdrawn & craving a lot of alone time. I find that it’s just more peaceful that way. Not necessarily what anyone would say is better–because you should get out of your comfort zone from time to time… but I get emotionally drained a lot easier than before. My love tanks will empty out & then I’ll need time to recharge. I don’t want to do meaningless thing likes sit around & have a few cocktails at a happy hour with friends. Or sit around watching TV with friends because their child is napping and they can ‘t leave the house. Can anyone else relate to that? I hope I’m not coming across as rude, I’m just trying to be honest.

But if you’ve ever felt resistance, and let’s be honest; we all have… you know what I’m talking about. You understand that something you liked at 17, you wont necessarily like at 30. & it has nothing to do with growing “old” or suddenly becoming a boring person–priorities shift, things change. And I’d much rather evolve as a human, into who I’m supposed to be, then sit in another situation or activity and want to rip my eyes out from feeling a disconnect. It’s just an odd thing, not feeling as connected to some people as I used to. And I’m trying to navigate this place, because I’ve never been here before. I know it’s mainly who I am. My thoughts. And I’m not trying to offend. I’m sitting in a lot of doubt about what is and what I need to do to be at who I’ve always dreamed of. I’m finding out that dreams are very demanding of us as people. And that means we need to take better care of ourselves; physically, emotionally, spiritually… etc. Boundaries are important, make them! And I’m certainly trying to understand this process of becoming the best version of myself. No matter how long it takes. And honestly, even if that means letting go of some people and stretching myself.

Am I making sense? Does anyone else feel this way? I know I’m meant to live differently than how I’ve been living. I know there is far more out there for me. & as the universe keeps nudging me to get moving instead of remaining stagnant, I’m both excited and terrified. Because I have no idea how to get started… but I know real change is coming soon.

Stay tuned,

Love, Meesh.

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