Never enough.

Journal # 15.

The weather outside feels like fall, a perfect 63°. I went to Cantigny at 9am & walked the entire grounds by myself. It took an about an hour & I was the only one there aside from the groundskeepers. Its beautiful dad. They’re doing a lot of recon work & I can’t wait for it to be done. I sat in “your” rose gardens talking to you & didn’t want to leave. I wish you were here to see it. I know you loved this place like I did. Then on my way back I went to Herrick Lake & went fishing for a while…the sound of the birds chirping, the calm waters, light breeze was theraputic. I get why you would fish all the time.

This weather also reminds me of all the bonfires you’d make us & how patiently you would tend to the kindle… As we laughed & made memories under the summer skies. Roasting smores while you’d randomly, but not so randomly shout, “Yeaaaaaahh, baby!” & “you can but it on the booooard, yeee-es!”

Everyday brings a new favorite memory we’ve had together. I hope that never ends.

I do however seem like I’m still trying to catch my breath since the day you left us, dad. Since God called you home. And as the days normally crawl by, I find myself missing you with a new ache in my heart. It’s an difficult reality for all those who loved & were loved by you. But here we are, living. Just like you wanted.

Even though there are ugly & uglier moments of swimming through these waves of grief, I think you’d be proud at how much grace mom exudes. & how we’ve been carrying each other through this. It’s not easy, but we’re working on it.

I find myself questioning my faith in God a lot these days, dad. I don’t understand why he would take such a beautiful soul from this Earth. You gave so much to others. Joy. Happiness. Friendship. Strength. Courage. Laughter. Kindness. Love. Faith. The actual roof over your head & shirt off your back (at times). I could go on all day.

But, I don’t get where God is in all this. Why he didn’t heal you this side of Heaven. He could have. But instead we’re left without you.

I hope you hold up your end of the bargain. You said you’d save a spot up there for me. But until that day comes, please watch over me (us) like you promised. I’m counting on it.

There is so much to say, but I’ll leave that for my next journal entry.

I love you, dad.

Always & forever,

Meesha.

*15 days without pops*

*these journal entires aren’t being uploaded exactly as I write them, as he passed away May 12th*

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