Dad.

5/22/2018

*Journal entry 11.*

Pops—

I’m just sitting on the balcony while the sun sets; overlooking all the beautiful colors of the sky, the trees, the flowers…. Wishing you were here. You always understood the bliss that came from witnessing God’s creation….& could be happily surrounded by it for hours. We are the same in that sense. & during most (recent) days, that’s been my saving grace…stepping outdoors & letting the sun wash over me like a warm blanket as the light breeze gently hugs my cheek. It reminds me to keep breathing… And that if even just for a moment, everything will be okay.

It’s rained nearly everyday since you were called home. But I’m sure you already knew that. You would love it. I love it. It makes me think back to when anyone would complain about dark stormy days, you would say, “we could always use more rain.” Every time. I know it’s because you always saw the good in everything. Also, that you couldn’t wait for your gardens to bloom. I now look forward to storms, when in the past I would fear them.

I won’t pretend that I don’t have a huge hole in my heart & life now that you’re gone, dad. Because I do. It’s emptied me out & I’ve felt emotions I never thought possible.. A numbness. A complete heaviness. The kind where you have to remember to lift one foot in front of the other. I’ve felt my mind is often hazy. Because I don’t understand how to “get on with life” when a significant part of me has died.

I think I’ll have a hard time (for a long while) wrapping my head around the fact that I won’t ever get to see, or hug you again this side of Heaven. Or hear your goofy, contagious laugh. Scrabble & putting puzzles together. Drinking stale coffee as we would fish at your favorite lake. Flipping back & forth between watching White Sox & Cubs games. Weekly picnics during summer concerts in the park w mom & family.. The adventures & memories are endless. & I selfishly want more time.

I do however carry a peace in my heart knowing that you’re no longer physically ill & battling cancer, pops. I carry peace in my heart knowing that when you went, you knew with absolute certainty where you were going. During the last 9 months you met every challenge your team of doctors threw at you with “it’s just another hurdle”… & kept living your life like you always have. With absolute strength & dignity.
You kept saying & reminding us that, “If God heals me this side of Heaven, I win. & if he doesn’t, I still win.”
That will always humble my heart.

& if that doesn’t show your heart, faith, & character in all you were during this lifetime, I don’t know what will.

I miss you, pops.
Love always,
Meesh.

*I am posting this for no other reason than I have shared bits & pieces of my dad’s journey this past year…& although I haven’t really known what to share since his passing, or had much of a desire to… I thought I’d let you read a journal entry I wrote. If you think it’s weird, that’s fine…This isn’t a plea for help. Or anything of the sort. It is however how I’m choosing to process my pain.* That’s all. šŸ’›

Day 11 without pops.

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4 thoughts on “Dad.

  1. Beautiful Michelle! Iā€™m so sorry about your dad. He was a great person!Ā  Hugs,Mrs. K
    Sent from Yahoo Mail for iPhone

  2. This is so beautiful, Michelle. You wear your heart for all the world to see, and I truly admire that about you. Your dad was most certainly one of the best, and this post encapsulated that perfectly. His legacy is you, your siblings, and his grandkids. Keep letting his beautiful spirit embolden you, let it propel you to similar levels of greatness.
    Your family will continue to be in my prayers. Love you!

    1. Thanks so much, Amy. Wow. That’s such a compliment.. šŸ˜­šŸ’› Your words truly touched my heart. I try to think about what my dad would do in every moment I’m lacking, or less than the person I should be. I’m trying to honor him & make him proud in all I do. His legacy deserves it. He deserves it. You’re right. Thank you again for being so present & supportive during this journey. Love you. šŸ’›

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