Purpose.

I woke up this morning & deleted my Facebook within the first 30 minutes.

I showered & ran to Barnes & Noble. Generally I don’t have a certain item I’m seeking out once I get there, but God pulls at my heart & leads me to whatever section I need to learn something from, whether it be self help, heath & fitness, art, Christian inspiration, etc. Today…. I went in looking for answers for questions I didn’t even know I had..& was lead to a book quite literally sticking out of the shelf. It’s called ” Make it Happen. Surrender your FEAR. Take the leap. Love on purpose.” by Lara Casey.

I bought a nonfat peppermint mocha to make me feel warm & fuzzy.

I bought Justin Bieber’s new album about an hour ago & haven’t stopped listening. It’s essentially everything my heart is feeling right now. & his words speak to my life in this moment. Its about how life is worth living. Its about forgiveness. It’s about surrendering. It’s about insecurities & doubt. Its about FEAR & how were supposed to conquer it. I’ve had it on repeat.

I also got an email sent to me from Hannah Brencher, one of my favorite blogger/authors about her most current post. It was about FEAR & her idea of how it should be the last love letter it writes to ourselves. It explains what fear is & how it holds us back, song other things.

What’s ironic & no so ironic about all of this is I’ve been getting real, REAL with God in the past week. About all my fears. I’ve been more real then I have been with him in the past 3 years. I have been crying out to him several times a day. Which for me is rare. You see, when you always know God is there… You feel confident enough to go along your daily routine without him. You can conquer your fears & dreams alone. Because you’re confident & 100% sure of your calling. & he’ll always be there for you when you fail. You don’t really need to acknowledge him. Which is where him & I have been for a very long time. I didn’t want to depend on him. I didn’t want to admit I’ve been wrong with a lot of choices in my recent & no so recent past. I was just so full of pride & letting the devil win my battles.

It wasn’t until the past week of me being honest with myself, that I’ve been so wrong. I know I’ve been lost. I know my life doesn’t exactly scream child of God. I’ve been comparing my life to others.  I know my life(lately) has mainly been me living in FEAR. Fear of rejection. Fear of looking stupid. Fear of failing. Fear of heartbreak. Fear of criticism. Fear of seeing hypocritical. Fear of my dreams being too “unrealistic”. Fear of letting someone down.

I have felt so weak & heavy from the burdens of this world. Last week I sat down in my shower & I think I sat for a good 45 minutes long & just cried out to God. Last night I was driving home from work, but instead of going home… I kept driving for about an hour. And I got loud, shouting at God. Until my voice lost its power & my mind went quiet. Then I sang & poured out my heart to him. I felt him working in my life, in my heart. See, this is gonna sound weird, but I don’t really cry. Really. It takes a lot for the floodgates to open. & generally I’ll have a good cry maybe one a month. This past week it’s multiple times a day. So understand me when I say I feel God working in me. He is wearing me down.

&  sometimes you need to be okay with that. You need to shut the world & all your fear out & let him in. You need to forget about your followers & instead follow him. You don’t need to think about your “likes”, because him liking & loving you is all you need. His truths, Theyre the ones that count. Him taking your fears & turning them into faith, that’s what you should be concentrating on. And realizing fear is a beautiful tool to build you up… Not meant to destroy you.

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