Lady bugs.

Have you ever had a moment that you were so sure about? That in the moment it was presented to you, you knew the universe was speaking to you? That you were in the right place at the right time? Or someone’s says the exact bit of encouragement you need about a certain area in your life. How about a specific sign you’ve been praying for…for months & months?

I have. I have those moments all the time. I am a firm believer in signs. I believe if were willing to listen & open your eyes to a life beyond your comprehension, God & the universe respond. They do. They make little whispers to us throughout our days. Sometimes they pass right by without us even catching what’s happening. Others are a lot more obvious. It all really depends on how honest & in tune we our with ourselves.

Yesterday I got mad at God. I was pissed. I actually yelled at him for a good twenty minutes telling him about all the things going wrong in my life. What I found unfair. Other things I didn’t understand. Why has he kept me in this season of singleness past my hearts desire? Why is my sisters husband treating her poorly? Where is he in my sickness? Why isn’t he allowing my dreams to be a published author happening? Why do I have no direction or clarity on my life at age 27? I want it all fixed now! Because I’ve had months and months of pain & uncertainty.

& he listened. He sat with me like a patient father would. He was quiet, but I felt his presence with me.

& after I was done yelling at him, I stated crying. Because when you let all the emotions fly, you normally feel all kinds of things. And you get tired. And exhaustion generally causes tears.

It this moment I was on page 15( back to back pages) of journaling. Its like pen to paper in moments of confusion are when things start to fall into place. But after 15 pages & few hand cramps later, I stopped. I leaned my head back looking directly at my ceiling, but with my eyes closed. Breathing. Quieting all the noise. & then I opened my eyes. & what do I see? A lady bug. Directly above me on the ceiling, completely in my line of sight.

& I kept staring. Baffled. It’s 45 degrees outside, rainy, & windy. I’m buried in two blankets & layers of clothes. And this insect that normally lives in warm weather, just so happens to be in my room, on my ceiling. Needless to say, I haven’t seen a lady bug for years. They just aren’t a norm where I live. This is God. This is him meeting me in my dark place. The universe is speaking to me. In my moment of weakness, he came to me.

So I freaked out & kept thinking what really could this signify? I’m a firm believer in manifesting, signs & such, so I googled it of course.

& what do you know, a ladybug signifies all I’ve been searching for on the latest part of my journey. It literally means, “Let go & let God.” Let go & let God!  Seriously. A ladybug is also seen as a message of promise & reconnects us with the joy of living. Fear & joy cannot co-exist. It shows us that we must release our fears & turn back to love. That’s it a message. A ladybug teaches us how to restore our trust & faith in the spirit of God.

I mean, this message could not be more perfect. I have been living somewhat in fear. & trying to control the outcome. I’m so worried about what my future will look like, I don’t really even consider what God wants or has in store for me. I think, I have to decide. I have to admit…I’m worried he won’t give me a husband. I’m worried he will always keep me in this limbo with my financial issues. I’m worried I will never have my book on shelves. And I’m worried I will never make a difference. These are my constant thoughts. & I know they’re silly. But their also human. And I’m imperfectly perfect as a human.

So after having this huge moment, I looked up at the ladybug after I realized what I needed to learn & it jumped off the ceiling & began to fly away. Flying away, taking my fears, my dreams, my wishes, to the one who can make them come true. She sprinkled them out into faith & the universe. Now I just have to wait & see what comes of it.

I have to trust in love, in faith, & above all God.

Until then.. ❤

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Sabbatical of sorts.

I haven’t written on here in a very long time. & part of me has been okay with that. I’ve been frustrated for a while & not writing is, was; my way of putting my foot done. More like throwing a temper tantrum. I’m gonna get real honest for a minute.

It’s because I am tired of being single. I am tired of it.

& for the past several months I’ve felt that loneliness heavy. I have used every excuse in the book to friends and family as to why I like being single. & yes, I have a lot of reasons why being single is great for me. I’m incredibly independent, horribly stubborn, & I like living my life spontaneously & adventurous- without schedule. Some would say that could cause chaos, others have told me my mentality on life is romantic & very brave. I couldn’t tell you if I think either.
All I know is I’m over it.

I have tried focusing on work, diving into family affairs, obsessing over my newest dietary change, or just cute fall outfits I can’t wait to put together. I have drank too much & have eaten my feelings. I have his behind books & movies. I had people thinking I’m way better off then I seem, emotionally.

& I’m realizing it all comes down to.. I want to be loved, too.

I deserve a man, one to build a life with. I want someone to hold on cold fall days. And to laugh endlessly with. I thirst for intellectual conversation. I want a man to plan adventures with. I want a man to understand me on that level of intimacy again.

I’m not the desperate girl, never have been. I’ve stayed single many years in between relationships because I wasn’t ready. But this ache, that I feel just keeps growing. & I’m looking for that man again, the one I used to love.

He doesn’t have a specific name. He doesn’t have to fit height requirements. He doesn’t need to come with a family inheritance. Hell, he doesn’t even need to be the guy who always says the right thing.

He does however need to love life passionately. He needs to fiercely jump into all the adventures given to him. He needs to have a strong faith and love for God. He needs to be kind. He needs to be compassionate towards the strangers of this world. He doesn’t necessarily need to understand all of me, but still accept all of me & still love all I have to offer him in a partnership.

I had a stomach turning, butterfly filled, goose bump enriched relationship with a man two years ago. It came to me my surprise. I never expected to let him into my world, let alone allow myself to love him. & the ironic thing is I was so afraid of losing him. So afraid I never actually mouthed the words “I love you.” I wrote it in cards & showed him in ways… But every time I tried to say it, I froze. It was embarrassing. I was ashamed. I know he must have felt awful because he said it all the time. For him it seemed easy.

& he was a love of my life. He understood me & took me in all my weirdness. He challenged me, encouraged me, pursued me & above all– believed in me. He was my forever. He could have been my forever. We lasted for about 10 months until our dreams pulled us apart 900 miles. & neither of us would fold. We thought, if love is strong enough… we will come back into each others universe.

& we did. Briefly. As quickly as the weather changes, he rushed into my world..I did leave out the fact that we email every few months, checking in on the other. If that’s what you want to call it. But we both probably knew we were just being childish and scared. So that’s how it’d been for a while, us communicating behind screens. Some messages few and far between.

I remember when him & I ended, I prayed to God relentlessly. I was so unsettled by God giving me this man to fall madly for & to not have for all of my earthly days. I yelled at God. Cried at him. Threw books at the wall. Spent nights sleeping on my bathroom floor because I didn’t have the strength to walk to my room after crying in my bath. I just didn’t get it, I don’t to an extent. I told God maybe I made a mistake. Maybe this guy wasn’t the man for me. So I told God, “Make all men unattractive to my heart until he’s my husband.” Essentially praying for a dormant heart, because to love a man other then him…. I couldn’t. I also told God I wouldn’t get romantically involved with a man until he gave me one. I prayed and hoped and prayed that if we needed to be separated to learn, grow, & mature so be it. But to please bring him back if he was for me.

I’m still in a season of singleness. And it sucks. It hurts. It feels lonely sometimes. It’s also amazing. It’s liberating. I can keep learning more about myself, which I have been. All this to say, I have tried dating websites, & tinder & friends or friends… And nothing has happened. Its like God really is leaving my heart dormant until he, whoever he is enters my life.

I wish that would be sooner then later, but for now.. I will trust God. I will trust in his timing. I will learn to grow more patient. & I will pray. I will pray until I can’t speak anymore. Because I believe God will give me the desires of my heart. And who he has for me must be worth waiting for..

Until then universe.