If you asked me how I felt these says, I’d probably tell you I was having some pre-midlife crisis. I just turned 27 on the 21st of this month (two days ago) & although my current standing has nothing to do with my birthday, I don’t mind getting older… I still feel weary.
I haven’t written a post in two months
You see, lately I feel like a fake, a phony, a sham. I took off a week from work to “figure out my life” hoping it would help, and here I am a day before I go back and I still feel lost. I know I’ll never fully have it together, but I was hoping for some clarity, some direction. Instead I have spent countless hours diving into self-help & christian inspiration books with nothing but a few great quotes wishing I had written the book instead.
Pretty much reading and rereading information I’ve attained from all walks of life thus far. But doesn’t it sound better when you have a soul you’ve never met, reaffirm it in their private, now public diary of a book?
You read about all the trials & tragedy of someone’s life & how they overcome all the adversity finding triumphant joy. You know what I’m talking about. The stories are all over. The woman who left everything & everyone she ever knew behind to trek to PCT, alone. How about the girl who was in a physically & verbally abusive relationship, she finally found her worth & stands alone these days. Maybe the small village overseas where children walk miles for fresh water, and do that daily just to survive. Or the drunk who almost lost his life to alcohol, but is now walking cross country & is 6 months sober thanks to his will to live.
Those stories. The ones that make you feel so much better about your life. Even if you don’t want to admit it, deep down its true. Don’t lie. I know it, you know it, we all know it.
But in my moments lately, I have actually found myself not grateful..to vicariously be taught a lesson I never knew I needed, but because of the journey they are on. I am jealous. Jealous of their drive, of their fearlessness, of their heart. Of their story actually making a different. And yes, we are all called to live differently.
Our paths take us to different places & we will experience different things. But what about my life right now makes me jealous of the one in pain? Maybe its because for a long time I haven’t really felt. I feel numb, stuck in motions of routine. I have allowed myself to not live. I don’t get excited about the little things anymore. And that terrifies the hell out of me. That the rest of my days on Earth won’t feel like they are full, lime they mean something.
And to have a life of meaning, that’s everyone’s quest. Right? Isn’t that what we all strive for? To make a different in someone’s life, in the world? Sometimes I feel incredibly alone in the way I think. Not because I stay quiet, but because when I explain myself to people I’m looked at and even told I’m weird. I’m being irrational. I’m not looking to be understood, but for once I would like to hear someone say “Yes, go do what makes you feel alive! Do that & then tell tour story. You’ll help someone along the way, I’m sure of it.”
Maybe I’ve dreamed too many dreams, read too many books, or watched too many movies, but my heart wants that Adventure. I want to fully feel every moment. I want to be in tune with myself and the world. And I am excited to try and figure out how to do it.
Here’s to another day..