Fear. Its one of the biggest bullies out there. You can allow it to paralyze you or you can allow it to help you grow. It feels bigger when you feed it. The way I’ve been viewing it lately, is why not make fear work for you?
Most times fear shows up in our lives when were scared something sacred may be taken from us, whether it be a job, a family member, a career-anything!
So we need to stop & listen. What is it directing you to pay attention to? Look close and decide if its a threat & if that threat is valid or not.
I have been recognizing lately in my journey that what I value the most is what causes the most fear in my life. I have felt led since I was probably 10yrs old to use my voice in someway, but at the time writing. I have let other voices win recently… They tell me to give it up. That no one wants to hear my story. That is doesn’t matter. Fear.
See, writing was never really my thing when I was younger..although I felt a strange pull like one day it may be. During my homeschooled years, my mom was adamant about it. Writing will help you express yourself. If will allow you to grow in many ways. She would assign me to write one article & then make me review it time & time again until it was “Perfect.” Until I had expressed my thoughts & emotions fully. It was dreadful. It was so tedious & I really began to loathe it. All my writing should be as it comes out, why all the editing? Isn’t that putting it through a filter? I want to be raw, to be me.
A couple years went by & I enrolled in public highschool. I become incredibly depressed. If you asked me then I would have absolutely no idea why. I just couldn’t really connect to society. I just woke up every day feeling defeated before I even got out of bed. I didn’t want to go to school & be contained in four walls of what someone else was trying to tell me my life should be. See, I’m respectful of my elders, teachers, what have you.. But I don’t like being told I’m wrong simply by what a book or a professor of 20 years says.
I went to school everyday feeling incredibly disconnected. Now don’t get me wrong, I didn’t just walk around with my head hung low. I was one of the most bubbly, outgoing, choir girls, with many friends from different cliques. But to me, that still didn’t matter.
I walked into a school where everyone either seemed to have their lives figured out or their parents did for them. And they seemed fine with following in their footsteps. Not me. I didn’t like the fact that this was all life amounted to. How do we live in such routine? How do we just do what were told? Or what were meant to believe? Because it’s safe? Because we don’t want to feel fear?
My mind was always elsewhere in school, except when I learned about the “music wing”. This was like my hallway to bliss everyday. It was where band, choir, theater, all the arts practiced & performed. It was my safe haven. This is the place I felt most myself. I could be expressive in song & not have to defend why. I spent so much time in vocal lessons, my voice became stronger in more ways than one.
I began to feel comfortable in who I was. I connected with other humans who understood me. We would spend lunch & study halls in this wing. We would make music, & laugh, & grow, & encourage one another. When I was in choir, I felt my soul was on fire. This is where I’m meant to be. And during my other classes, I couldn’t wait to get back there. This group of creatives quickly became my family.
We would perform on stage together in song or plays, even musicals. We would spend hours after school rehearsing & trying to make everything perfect. We would work together. Team up. Perfect acts together. I could go on and on really.. But this was my baby. I was so fearful of ever having to step away from this family we formed. Because it’s what I valued the most. So I learned to loosen the reigns & know with them or not, I was still me. I still has power. I still had talent. I still had grace. They were just helping me realize it.
& I think back to moments with them & I become giddy. I feel so much love for being a part of all my school choirs starting from kindergarten, selects ones like Downers Grove Children’s Choir & Chicago Childrens choir. They are the moments I felt most alive. The moments I felt most happy. Most connected. Most purposeful & most fearless.
& as I began writing this post I was simply trying to encourage you to let go of fear, to find your voice, to cling to what makes you come alive. But in doing so… I’ve remembered my passion & my journey. My purpose. Its always been to love. To show the world their worth. & in doing so, hopefully I can “bring them back to life.” I’m just not exactly sure how to do so & make a career from it. So here is to diving into whatever comes my way. In feeling the fear & doing it anyway. And just remember, never give up on something your heart has always been trying to tell you. Live out those truths daily, even if your voice shakes.