Wrestle.

I have felt like a broken record latley.

& I’m not just saying that.

I feel rusty. I feel like I’ve been played & replayed.

I even feel at times I’ve been skipped over & skipped over things myself.

My body aches, my mind is tired & I just keep on going….as so many people tell me to do.

They say it gets better. That when your’e at your worst… things tend to have no where to go but UP.

Well.. They lied.

A bit fat lie.

Ending out 2014, I really wanted to say fear was one thing I learned to conquer.

And maybe because I bragged about three really big fears I actually did overcome,

did fear trickle back into my life, into my heart. Fear essentially conquered me.

I tried so hard to fight it.

I told myself once I finally got in that airplane, that my life would feel as smooth as my flight. It was the best first flight I could have ever imagined. Literally.

I convinced myself that I became whole when I moved across country, from everything I ever knew–for work. Because driving across planes and planes of desert & mountains makes me a badass( I still like to claim that truth.)

Late at night, when I try to sleep– I would chant to my core about all the ways I was worthless. that If I changed this way or that way, he would come back to me. He would leave the beautiful city of NYC & he would run to Chicago. Wouldn’t he?

I don’t know. I got pretty upset with myself tonight.

& the only thing I was able to do to quiet my mind was Kundalini yoga.

If you ever want to make the noise of worthlesness, bitter thoughts, hurting hearts, any ache just quite down to the point you can hear the stars burn miles away–DO THIS KIND OF YOGA.

Kundalini yoga will quite literally silence every thought you have to the point of feeling so incredibly peaceful. It’s not the kind of yoga where you have to do ridiculous positions. It’s stricly a breathing kind. It centers your being & calms the soul. During my first session, I was mid yoga (30 min in) & I couldn’t help but feel this ridiculous burst of Joy crawl into the corners of my being.

Mind you, I had literally just been fussing about all the little things wrong with my job, my love life or lack their of, my living situation, my future, my savings account, the fact that my car needs a whopping $1800, repair, the fact that I was just REALLY low & talking myself down. & then, all I did was change my mentaliy. I took an hour out of my whining & told myself I needed to forget about all the things that were ruining me & running my life. They didn’t matter.

They don’t matter. They don’t matter.

I have been stuck in this vicious cycle for a few years, actually–probably longer than I’m willing to admit.

My dad knew how upset I was about my car issue setting me back & gave me a little pep talk.

He reminded me that it’s just money. “You can always find a way to make more money, but don’t let it ruin who you are. The one thing I learn as I get older is that money doesn’t mean anything, it shouldn’t steal your joy…. no matter what.”

My dad. I love him so. He always has had ways to make me happier & bring me back around when I need it.

I didn’t tell him about all that was bothering me, but he didn’t need to know. His advice was key on everything.

My biggest fear, the thing that in 2014 was trying to cripple me was Money. Ugh. What an ugly thing it can be if you view it in an unhealthy way.

Anyways, I guess what I’m getting at is don’t let things control you. & don’t try to completely control your life. Yes, have goals. Yes, have dreams. Yes, have a plan set in stone. But don’t let it get to the point where you are wearing thin.

Advice I’m sure you’ve heard a million and one times…

Maybe tonight it’s the kind of reminder I needed..

Until next time..

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Recover.

I feel like I’ve been torn apart.

I have so many scratches and scars.

Maybe they won’t all go away, but they’ll fade.

Maybe time could mend us together again.

It’s not what we’ve done, but how far we’ve come.

We will recover.

The worst is over now.

all those fires we’ve been walking through,

and still we survive somewhow.

we will recover the worst is behind,

I know that we will recover.

Got so much to lose,

seems I’ve lost my power to choose.

When to love and when to let go…

that all changed….