I have been dreading this moment.

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Does anyone have those moments where you go out in public not looking your best?

Like you possibly haven’t washed your hair in a day or so (I do this because of the type I have),

or you just got done working out at the gym & you look & feel grundy?

Then all of a sudden, you see someone & you try hiding from them–but you cant?

That was me yesterday. It was terrible. I went to the nail salon. I was in yoga pants, a zip-up hoodie, but my hair was a mess, I had absolutely no makeup on & I was then heading to get my eyebrows threaded…

becasuse they were a mess.

But I was stopped by an old co-worker. I haven’t seen her in probably two years.

I was avoiding eye contact, but as I was paying she called my name out–

So I had to be polite & chat.

The first thing she says is, “You look fantastic.” Uhm, come again? Not only was I everything I described above… I’m also 15pds heavier from depression.

I wanted to look in the side mirror & double check to see if she saw what I felt like. But I didn’t.

I accepted her compliment & we started to play a short catchup in the span of 5 mins,

as I felt so incredibly uncomfortable in my own skin.

Hear me out, I loved seeing bumping into her– just not under those circumstances.

I felt so awkward. & when she said I looked fantastic, I felt even weirder.

But here’s the thing I left with as I walked out the door & drove away–

We are SO incredibly hard on ourselves. We are our biggest enemies.

We are the only ones who stare in the mirror at the bags under our eyes, the huge pores, the beginning of crows feet.

We are the ones who are like–why can’t I be this weight, or have that hair length?

I wanted to smack myself across the face, because really.. there was a deeper meaning for me disgust.

She loved me for who I was–in that version & I couldn’t. I couldn’t appreciate me. I felt ashamed in a sense. The control I normally have, with stepping out in public looking put together.

But I’m not put together. My heart aches from that man who moved 900 miles away from me for work & asked me to come, but I said no (I never mean’t to say no). I have debt pay back from overspending & being neglegent. I have messy hair at times, because you can’t always keep up with a lions mane. I haeve degrees unfinished & projects untouched. I have a job that pays me well, but I’m not happy there. I just do it for the comfort of living expenses.

Anyways, I just feel like my whole story was meant to say…. were not perfect. were not 100% put together all the time. Were not always our prettiest, or skinniest. Or most successful. But that is life. & it’s okay not to be perfect, because we never will be. & we somehow need to come to terms with ourselves. We need to love ourselves from the place we are, always. & if were not fond of that version of ourselves… to take steps to change. Results from changes don’t always happen right away….

but they will.

they will.

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I cry too much.

I honestly believe that when I was created in my mom’s womb, God said–

“I’m gonna make this one emotional.”

& I believe that’s something that has been true, the entierity of my life.

I weep, at everything.

I will see a commercial like this http://www.ispot.tv/ad/763q/apple-holiday-misunderstood

I will read a book.

I could see an old man walking by himself,

or a little child that is struggling because she think’s she isn’t enough.

I cry, I weep for strangers.

I may never have met you, but if you tell me any kind of story that hurt you.

If you tell me how you the cry of your heart, & the deepest desires you want?

I’d cry with you. I just can’t help it.

I think God gave me a superhero power in that sense.

& to be honest, I fought it for a very long time.

I told God that I felt absolutely ridciculous crying for people I’ve never met–he told me he didn’t care.

I have prayed the prayer for God to “break my heart for what breaks his.”

So I’m guessing all the empathy & sympathy I feel towards others would be that prayer.

There is so much pain in this world & nothing I could keep you from.

But if you were here with me right now, I could cuddle you. I would give you the biggest bear hug I could & let you know how worth you are.

You are incredibly worthy of love.

Not the kind that just takes, but the kind that gives.The kind that understands. The kind that will go to all lengths just to make sure you know how lovely you are.

You are incredibly worthy of ALL your dreams. & baby, I know they’ll come true. Do you?

If you were here, I wouldn’t let you leave me until you realized how needed you are.

How much the world needs your love. We need you to step out of your shell. Leave your bedroom, doll.

Turn your phone off & go outside. See people. Hold someones hand,. Laugh with friends.

Come see the World with me, you need to see it. But REALLY see it.

I’m actually crying right now, knowing that one of you may be feeling so useless in your everyday walk–but baby, it’s so untrue. Don’t believe that lie. Don’t let your thoughts tell you no want wants you, no one needs you. Because I do.

Sure you may not know me, but does it matter? No. I don’t care what your past looks like. I don’t care about what you’ve done that creeps into your mind to make you feel guilty. I don’t care what the school kids pegged you as, I don’t care how yoru parents think of you. We need to work at letting that go together. Because I think you’re wonderful. I see your heart. I see your heart. I see you.

It might sound silly, but if you’re willing to share your story with me-

I’ll guard it like it was my most prized possession.

I am the best secret keeper there has ever been(ask anyone that knows me).

I love listening & I love being the shoulder for you.

Because I get it.

I know all those feelings you have.

I do.

I’ve been there.

Hope to start a friendship with you!

If you wanna chat/need prayer/whatever

–comment below or feel free emailing me

MWidner88@gmail.com

Love ya’ll