Okay, so here’s the deal.
& this may come as a shock to some of my readers that have known me personally over the years: I’ve never felt beautiful enough.
I know, I know… why would anyone allow themselves to think that?
But in our broken age when media conglomerates use filters & photoshop, & models that weigh more than 125 are considered ‘fat’ you feel like you’re lacking.
Now my weight has never been something that has affected me too much, although during my depression(4 years ago) I was like a yo-yo. There would be times my mom had to force feed me, because everything literally made me nauseous. I mentally made myself believe food wasnt good, so I couldnt eat it. I’m nearly 5’8, so when I got down to 115pds, I looked like a bobble head & was fitting into size 4 clothes, it was bad. At the time I thought I was beautiful. I was skinnier than all my friends & family… & when someone did come across me, they’d congratulate me & ask me how I lost the weight. I told them, just eating smaller portions–which was essentially true. But some meals, I skipped entirely. Not a good diet.
Then I’d have a different wave of struggle half a year later where I started gaining weight & felt better about myself, but then it got to be too much. I fell into a comfortable routine where eating is what made me feel good. Its where my love came from. I felt validated. & my tiny size 5/6 frame then shot up to a size 12/13. I was not proud, I was a mess. But I went about my days as best I knew how until people starting asked me if I was okay.
Those were some tough days.. but amidst them I was always studying, working, filling my time with the gym, out with friends always… always moving & on a new endeavor. So it was easy to hide what the root of the problem was.
Self-Worth. I had none. I didn’t treat my body with respect. I really didn’t care. I let others define how beautiful I was by their empty words. Because they didnt know my heart & if they did… they would have been helping build me different life, one where I came to love myself. They would have been encouraging & confident.. some were, but not most.
& since so much time has passed, I look at everything differently. I think about how easy, yet so silly it seems to find your worth in others. Because in reality, they may seem to have it all outwardly, but may be looking to someone better then them for validation. & they’re just another person. What good is it to listen to someone who doesnt have your best interest at heart? What good is it to let that tear into your heart? To allow someone’s small judgement of you, wreck or define your World?
Until I began to study myself & truly understand how my love tanks worked, I had to stop listening to everyone else. I had to allow my heart to start talking & I had to really listen. I’m not saying to ignore everyone, but… you will not know what makes you happy & what kind of love you need in relationships if you’re always trying to measure up. & measuring up is pointless, because none of us ever will in this World…
I had something funny happen to me a few months back. I’ve been praying such a silly prayer– but it’s been working. I have been consistently asking Christ to work in my heart. I’ve been asking him to make me beautiful from the insde out & although my outer being isnt all up to my standards, I’m flawless in his eyes..
Simply asking him ” God…. Please make me beautiful. Allow me to see me the way you do. Allow the World to see the beauty you pour through me & not my Worldly imperfections.”
& he’s been moving. I feel it. Not only because I’m learning to love myself more how he would: perfectly, kindly, gentle, gracefully… thats how I need to love myself. But because he’s helping me to stop allowing negative thoughts of evil keep me from my potential. From my beauty. He is telling me in different ways everyday how beautiful I am.
I’ve had strangers in Christ comment randomly on my Instagram, FB or in an Email…simply telling me ” You’re beautiful.” Now…. I’m sure you’re thinking YEAH, maybe they’re saying it just to say it. Welll my friend, these were my thoughts initially & we are so wrong. Who would someone feel compelled to say something so random, randomly?
I mean why when I’m most down about my looks, weight, or inaqceacy of the issue– that’s when the comments flood me? & how come lately after I get out of the shower–my face bare with no makeup on, thats when I’ve been feeling most beautiful? That’s not me. There is no way. Because I’d love for a little less acne, or more defined cheekbones, or more luscious hair… but God says stop. & he is slowly chipping away those desires. He says:
I have made you with my hands. I dreamed up every bit of who you are–imperfections & all… & I love you that way. Just as you are. Nothing more, nothing less. AND THAT? That’s the only kind of love I need.
Forget the one from the writer with luscious hair & a handsome beard I was with for a few months—he really only ever made me feel insecure, but I thought I loved him. Or the 6’3 model with the perfect smile who was very nice on the eyes, I was him for nearly a year. I could have been with him…. but I never fully felt myself, like I measured up. Because I don’t look like a model. But my heart does.
So forget them. Wanna know why? Because they didnt love my like my father does. That love wasn’t unconditional or pure. Nope it wasn’t. It may have filled me up for that time– but looking back I deserve so stinkin much more. I deserve a love that challenges & encourages. One that allows me to be me & evolve equally as a human. One that accepts every flaw. A forgiving one. A graceful one. One that will point me closer to the creator.
I hope you got my point. That you may think the love in your head is right. & you will try everything in the book to validate why he’s right for you…. but that’s not up to us. That’s up to God.
So allow him to love you first & love him back fiercely. He gives the best kind of love.
I deserve that kind of love.
& you do too.
You do too.
Until next time.