Totally agree with this! I am that girl. I need my alone time. haha
I had an interview earlier this morning for a second job.
I grabbed a coffee, because of course I had to celebrate today.
& then after a while I began to get hungry.
So I trekked over to the nearest Chipotle & picked up a burrito bowl to go.
I ended up back in my car, having no end destination in mind…
but ended up at a park close to my home.
I parked in the empty lot, all the way at the end.
I jumped out of my car & made my way to the middle of the park,
which is essentially surrouded by trees & paths & grass.
I needed quiet. Now I knew how my heart guided me here. I have had the few busiest weeks latley that have made me feel quite defeated. Not that I haven’t been grateful & loving every minute. I have just been galloping atound from committment to committment & forgetting about the most important thing:God.
So as I’m sitting there, my mind running like crazy… I just start crying out to God. I missed him. I know that the World can tell me all the right things & give me all the right encouragment I ask for, but nothing like this man. I started to tell him all the things that have been on my heart. How I’ve felt really broken latley. That everything I try to do, I still don’t feel like it means anything. I’ve been trying to act a little kinder, get out of the little world that only revolves around me, to be more honest, less full of sin.
That no matter how much I seem to try & go about my day in a way that will feel fulfilling, none of it means anything without him. I swear when I wake up every morning I’m already strategizing ways to keep the energy vampires from tapping into me later in the day. & that’s just the thing, there are SO many things that are trying to suck out the joy we have in the day, which isn’t that much. If I’m being honest with you, my love tanks are never 100% full. They just aren’t. It’s not posssible to be perfect, that’s God’s job.
But it’s my job to help protect my energy, to help protect my heart, my joy, my life. So I’m sitting in the park & just throwing out all the ways I feel like a failure. & leave it up to God to stop my thoughts & literally rip into my hear. He shut my ridiculous thoughts down so fast, I swear the wind got knocked out of me. & then the tears started, & I all of a sudden found myself… sitting alone, at a picnic table, with a half eaten burrito bowl, weeping. I felt so empty & so full at the same time.
But he just wanted me to let it all out. So there I sat, crying & not talking. Finally I had nothing to say, because my father was telling me how it is. He was pouring love into my broken heart. He was telling me how wonderful I am. How confident he made me. That I am so beautiful & if I would only stop comparing myself to others, I would value myself how he does. That I am so smart. That I am good enough. That there are people that need my light & even if I don’t know it, it’s true.
So I cried, for a long time. & at this moment right now….I feel exhausted in a weird way. It’s kind of like when you cry & cry & cry, your body gets so physically tired, you can fall asleep? Well he is making me new, again. He is taking all of the bad things in my heart & mind & tearing them away so I can once again see the light. & I told him I didn’t like the fact that I came to him when I was like this. That I wish I could come to him time & time again so it doesn’t build up. But that’s just it, sometimes we pursue him only when we need him. & I don’t want to be like that.
I don’t want to be the Christian, the follower, believer of Christ that is fake. That only does it for the gimics & smiles. I want to be the one who is so raw in her faith, that there is nothing that someone will even question about my walk. I want to be in a realtionship that will rip be apart, but put me back together all at the same time. I don’t know about you, but I want his mercy & grace everyday, every moment. The thing is… It’s all accessible to us… ALL THE TIME. But if we would just stop listening to all the other non important voices in our lives & listen to the one true on that matters?
Then it will be okay.
& sure, you may be tired from crying. you may feel like you never get enough sleep. like you’re the one always taking the blame for a mistake. that at work, you always feel at the bottom of the totem pole.
But he has different ideas for you. He labels you fearfully & wonderfully made. He lables you perfect in his eyes. He see’s you as HIS majestic piece of art.
& only if we would just listen,
if we would just listen.
until next time.
Last night was full of so much bliss.
Have you ever been to a concert?
If you have, I bet you’ve been to some where the energy was lacking…
Last night was nothing like that. My night started at 5pm.
I got VIP entry to chat up the members of Rend Collective & Moriah Peters.
It was pretty sweet.
But the real party started once the doors opened for everyone else
& they finally made there way one by one on stage.
This was by far one of the best concerts I’ve ever been to.
Rend Colletive had such a presence on stage & it was powerful.
The way they use their gifts to stir hearts of the World is incredible.
There were many moments of emotion through out the night for sure,
but one inparticular will stay with me.
I was in the middle of just singing & crying out to the Lord when all of of sudden,
the lead singer asked us to put our arms around the people on each sides of us & jump.
Now, I don’t know about you…. but initially I was like, ” I don’t know her!” haha
But I was like, I do… I do.. She’s my sister in Christ… So I just should.
Within seconds, the entire room was a wave of praise… moving in unison,
singing out to the creator.. it was perfect.
But in those moments of worship, I felt completley free.
I was so joyful, the girl next to me (found out her name was Jessica) started laughing hyserically.
We both were so in awe as to what we just felt. But really, the energy in that one little moment…
It was so true, it was so pure, & it was so refreshing.
I haven’t felt that joy in a long time worshipping the Lord.
But in those moments, I couldn’t stop laughing… & it was all thanks to him.
He had lifted all the pain, all the angst, all my troubles in that moment..
& he was ever present. I hope I can feel this in worship more often.
Because to just let him overwhelm you, is the best thing you can do.
I cried, I laughed, & I danced, I danced, I danced.
Letting all my emotions run freely & to just love on the one who loved me first?
That was beautiful.
So thankful for last night.
If you have a chance to get close to a community that Loves on the creator of us,
do it. If you don’t have one, find one. & if you ever need someone to show you you haven’t been
real with God in worship–go to a christian concert. Do it.
How often can you have the best night on a Friday & worship God at the same time?
I don’t know, but we did in Chicago last night. We did.
& I learned to be fearless in fighting for his love, for his people, his Kingdom.
Do not feel ashamed if the World doesnt accept you, it shunned him first.
I am so in love with our maker. How lucky are we to know him? To have him?
I choose him every time. No matter what. Who do you choose?
Until next time…
I just turned 26.
& trust me when I say there are days I feel 100% sure in my journey,
then there are others where I feel like I have absolutely no clue.
I recently gave up a few forms of social media; Facebook & Instagram… & here’s why.
Are you constantly comparing your successes, vacations, homes, boyfriends/girlfriends to that of others?
Your heart aches for that trip someone is taking around the World, or the other one who can afford to somehow live abroad for a few years. The writer who is now traveling to exotic destinations & getting paid for it.
I have been struggling with comparison & it’s been bad, almost obsessive. So because of this, I had to let those sites go for a bit. Not sure when I’ll return to them, but I know I’ve been happier off of them.. It’s only been two days. I have been more focused, more sure of myself.
I’ve had the ability to quiet the noise that I’m not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, etc. I have been able to mediate on the fact that I am good enough, pretty enough, loved enough.
I think it’s incredibly hard to become someone you want to, when you have the weight of the World on your shoulders. Don’t you?
How many of you are comparing yourself to everyone else? It’s not easy to go against the grain.
But more & more in my quiet, filter-free moments…. I’m beginning to become more aware of my Journey. I have here for a reason you’re not. You’re here for a reason I’m not. We all have something to give to this World & if we would just realize this life isn’t meant to go on alone…. Were supposed to be a team. We should be here encouraging one another, empowering our friends, going after our dreams—even when we feel insignificant.
Even when our lives fall apart & things get messy, we still need to try. We were all placed here for a reason. There is no mistake when it comes to the breath that fills your body. The hearbeat that drives your body to keep going.
We don’t have to fight the World. We don’t have to conform to the way they dress, live, etc. We shouldn’t be envious, nor compare. Its our job to love & love uncontionally.
I know, I sound contradicting in my own words. But here’s the thing, deep down–the desire of my heart is simply that, to love. All I want to do is show others they deserve the same amount of love that Marilyn Monroe, Ernest Hemingway, Al Pacino recieved. I know weird names thrown together, but it’s true. There isn’t a soul in this world that deserves any less.
& the one thing I need to remind myself more of these days is all the successes in the World don’t mean anything. Sure, they help you walk this path & hopefully impact others in a positive way. But when we leave this Earth, when all is said & done? We don’t get to take anything. Looks fade, money gets spent, relationships end… So what do you want to look like?
Because I know some of you on those exotic trips are really flat broke. Some of you who are in the World of modeling, are more insecure than the girl who doesn’t “have it” according to most. That the ones praising their sobriety, really just sunk into a whole of evil & need help, but don’t want to look like a failure. Or the guy & girl engaged–that look oh so pretty & perfect? That guy just cheated on her.
My point right now is, comparing your life to anothers is evil. It is wrong on so many levels. Because you don’t know whats going on in their life. I mean, why post your depressing moments? No one wants to hear those, it makes you look weak… right? Wrong, it makes you look real. I’m not afraid to stand out. I’m not afraid to let others in, to see my mistakes. To see my failures.
I’m so sick of going with the flow & taking the easier road. I don’t want to play it safe.
Love came to show us the way, love is a chance we should take.
So that’s what I choose to do.
& I’m leaving behind the filters, the beautiful backgrounds, the perfect relationships.
I want an unfiltered life, sometimes rough backrounds & the relationships that may never be perfect, but are worth this fight of life..
Until next time…
after I wrote this, I stumbled upon this. Watch if you have time! it’s fantastic. http://passioncitychurch.com/watch#PCC-081714-V1
Brought to you by Sia https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2vjPBrBU-TM & my morning coffee.
25 things you may not have known about me(for fun.)
1.I always sit on the very edge of chairs, I always have.
2.My adventerous ways resulted in 12 stiches in my right thigh when I was 7years old(I fell pretty high up from out of a tree).
3.I’m more comfortable on the floor then a chair, bed, couch, etc. My mom has told me I’ve been that way since I was an infant. I will take the floor, anyday.
4.I was homeschooled when I was younger.
5.I have a list of all the books I’ve ever read.
6.I really wish I could speak multiple languages.
7. I have a notebook of every song and/or artist that has touched me during clairty filled moments. I never want to forget them.
8.I medidate daily.
9. I cry when I watch a good movie or book.
10. I don’t like tv, so I don’t watch it.
11. I can seem like an extrovert, but I really enjoy time spent alone.
12. I tried out for chorus in the 3rd grade in front of an entire group of people & have been singing ever since.( my mom & dad gauge my happiness/sad factor on how much I do or do not sing) haha!
13.I collect books. I lost count on how many I have now.
14.I don’t like shopping of any kind.. I’d rather have someone do it for me. haha
15.I have an innnate sense of direction. My mom used to take me places when I was younger so she wouldn’t get lost (as early as the age of 6).
16. I would be friends with the weird kid first, because no one should be ignored & errybody deserves some lovin.
17.One of my biggest dreams is to become a published writer (working on it) & work on the sets of films.
18. I once drove 1900 miles alone & it was the best roadtrip I’ve ever taken.
19. I eventually want to get married & have kids, but often see it as a sacrifice I can’t make right now.
20. I once tried a breaded mushroom when I was 7 & haven’t been able to eat any kind since.
21.I fell prey to the most insufferable forms of anxiety for most of my life, yet was/am still called the most “insprirational & happy girl” by mainly everyone I know.
22. I had a ridiculous fear of elevators when I was young– I’m good with them now.
23. I didn’t step into a plane until I was 23(because of an irriational fear). Since then I’ve flown a bunch & actually love it.
24. Laughing is my favorite thing.
25. I’m really quiet about my personal life.
Bonus 26: I met my role model & inspiration a couple months ago–Sophia Bush. It was every bit of wonderful.
I had every intention to come here this morning & sound appealing to you. To make my words lay so swiftly on the page, that they would grab your attention & melt your heart. I did. Yes, I did. I wanted to have my words feel like a big hug to you this morning. That no matter with what was going on in YOUR world, you’d stop everything & listen to mine. But I can’t seem to think of anything to say & I’m kind of okay with that. Hear me out..
We try to gain notary, have someone acknowledge us somehow, make our name matter, mean something. I see it everyday. I see in everywhere I go. I see it on Instagram. We all want to be loved & loved fiercely. We all want someone to say I’m proud of you, or well done. People want to find worth in things that aren’t forever. We find meaning in our clothes, in our makeup, in our materialistic items.
But the love you’re looking for never comes any of that. I know. Because I have strived to for it. I have been trying to gain viewers or likes the past year or two of writing this blog & lately I don’t mind If I have any. It would be nice, but I can’t strive for that anymore. I realize how ridiculous of a goal it is to want people to like me, just to like me. Like it will make any bit of a difference. I mean, I love making friends & I have interacted with some of you…which I LOVE, don’t get me wrong.
But I think were trying to find our worth & meaning in other people, which isn’t right. Humans disappoint. We sin. We fail. Were not even close to being perfect. But there is someone who I think we need to be pointing others towards. Relationships are important, they are. But they mean absolutely nothing if you idolize that person for any bit of their accomplishments. It means nothing when you’re jealous.
We need to stop worrying about every person, because they were called to their own journey. We are all meant to add to this life. We are in this together. It’s no competition. Haven’t you learned that yet? Oh I hope you learn it soon.
Were all needed.
Were all worthy.
No matter what.
No matter what.
Am I making any sense? I sure hope so.
Until next time…
Chicago is quite rainy this morning. It fits my mood quite perfectly. I think on days like today my heart opens up doors I never knew were there. Isn’t there something about a dark, rainy day that just inspires? Maybe I’m a little different then most, but I can find my words & thoughts to be filled with much more clarity when the world is a little more quiet. & I think we were given days like today to mediate, to cry, to try new yoga poses, to turn inward–whatever it is you do to calm down & reallign your thoughts.
I have been a little low all week because I knew what was coming, today. Today is National Suicide Prevntion Day… Now I have never known anyone personally take their own life, but it still stings my heart like I know everyone that has. I have never had the thought to take my own life, nor have I attempted…. But I went through a bout of anxiety & depression, one that lasted ten years. So I understand the ache of feeling unworrthy, unloved, misunderstood. I think it’s caused me to be so vulnerable to the issue.
Because of my journey, I latch on to strangers. I latch on to humans. I have this innate desire to save everyone. To make their heart flutter with joy. To bring a smile to their face. To inspire them so they take that next step to go after there dreams. To let them know someone loves them. To tell someone they are worthy. To love them, even when it feels weird. To make sure they realize their worth. That they are the most unique gift to the world & I need them. We need them. Isn’t that just it? We fight so many battles throughout the day. Before we even jump out of bed, we are entirely defeated. We think we’ve been given obstables that no one else has to deal with. We think it’s us against the world, but it’s not.
Because if you just take the time to open up.. to admit to someone you’re hurting. To tell someone your struggle. To allow someone to hear the cry of your heart. to tell someone your sin & let them forgive you–so your burden is gone. To let someone hold you accountable for something you’re trying to overcome. To talk hand in hand with someone who is on your team. I mean, we never know what’s accessible to our lives & our journey if we stay in our own World.
I am the Queen of hiding, or at least I was. When I was in the midst of my deepest pain, I held it in. Because I thought I was doing myself & the world a favor. I didn’t believe that anyone would ever come to understand my pain. I held my thoughts in, I cried myself to sleep countless nights. & the moment I felt like I could open myself up to someone, I felt weird. & you know what? It is weird. & sure, people might not understand. They may even freak out in that moment, because it’s not their “normal”… When we open up, our hearts become vulnerable. & if gets scary, it gets weird, it gets uncomfortable. But it’s so much more than that. If you allow just one person in, just one…. that could save you. That could change your entire journey.
I know in a World where everyone is imperfect, it’s hard. We want people to respond in the way we would, we want be to be as gentle, as forgiving, as caring, etc. But the thing is, we all bring something different to the game. It’s all needed, even if we don’t understand. So what I’m getting at is you’re needed.
Every single person is here for a purpose. Hopefully one that is higher than us. One that challneges & encourages us. One that makes us a better version of who we are. It’s not a race. It’s not even a marathon. It’s a brisk walk in central park with friends. So remember, you don’t have to walk alone. Because so many people are here for you, wanting to walk along side you.
“I wish you never thought you had to go. I wish you thought you never had to leave. Together we can lift each other up, we can build a shelter for the weak.” Tenth Ave North
I need you. We need you. You need you.
Don’t ever forget that.