Role Models.

 

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Do you have one?

Do you look up to anyone in particular?

Do you watch the way they move, the way they speak, how they love? 

Although I have a few mentors & role models, I have an absolute favorite.

She has always stood apart from the rest for me. She is a world changer. 

She loves fearlessly. She pushes past boundaries. She sets goals & reaches them. She’s inspirational. She has a heart of gold. 

She loves everyone. She’s motivational. She fights for the broken & homeless. She fights for the World. I mean, what more can you ask for?

Do you have someone you look up to? We all have the ability to shape our lives. Based on every choice, even who we “follow”.

I think it’s important we all have that one person who helps us lean into our dreams. Who has the life we may want someday, & is so humble to share the ways she got there. With an open heart & a zest for life. To be passionate about everyday.

I always have thought that I was more of a chaser. I leaned into people who would stir me, push me higher. It’s important to have those people in your live, friends.

But latley…. the past few weeks I have been slammed with compliments, with enouraging words, with love. From some friends I haven’t talked to in years, some that it’s been a few months, some I work with… Some I’ve never met! & It’s weird to me, it’s a little surreal. I know I’ve always have an optimistic outlook on life, but I NEVER ever realized who it affected & how much. I’ve had these people tell me how inspiring, encouraging, motivating, just so full of love I am. I’ve had them tell me they look up to me as a role model. WHAT?!

I don’t know how to take that. Other than I want to wrap my arms around each & every one of them with big hugs! I am so honored to hear these truths be spoken into my life. 

More importantly, it really does matter how we speak light into others lives. It matters how we listen. It matters how we give. It matters how we care. It matters that we love all. & never until recently how big of an impact I have, how much of an impact we can all have. We all have the ability to be a good role model, for anyone. All in the way we love, fearlessly. Ya’ll, life is good.

Cling to the truths of love & those people who will lift you up. Believe you are worthy. Believe you are cherished. Believe you are adored. Believe you are loved.

 Because even in those moments you think you’re all alone & no one is watching, someone is. & maybe they need you to be strong, because they don’t know how. Maybe they need you to get vulnerable with your dark days, so they can make sense of theirs. Maybe they need a little encouragment, because at home they only get negativity. Be the light. Be the voice of truth. Love people to life. You can make a difference. We all can.

 

Till next time.

 

MW

 

 Oh, did I mention I was able to meet my rold model?  Figured you caught on by the picture. 😉

Sophia Bush. ❤

 

 

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Morning dance party brought to you by Tupac…. & some Eminem.

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Music moves people.

You wouldn’t be lying if you said it didn’t touch your soul at least once, a day. Once a day.

I can’t go a day without turning on Spotify, Pandora, Itunes or just my radio in the car. It drives us. Inspires us. Moves us. Encourages us. Teaches us. Challenges us. I’m pretty sure it’s the best thing to ever happen to the world, other than writing. That’s my second favorite. But really, can you imagine a world where we can’t connect with other souls? I wouldn’t want to be a part of that life. How beautiful is it for someone to get behind a mic & to most times pour out their aches & pains. They share the depths of depression, alcoholism, abuse. Honestly, just the deepest struggles in life. Sure music can be positive, but you’re not really moved though it. I believe that pain moves us more. We can all relate to pain. We can sympathize, empathize even.

For me, most times.. I feel as though the musician & I become best friends. Whether I’m driving in my car or listening to them in the comfort of my own room, It’s as if they’re with me. I picture them singing as sharing all their secrets. Somehow I was lucky enough to come across their music & in those moments they speak to me. About love, about hate, about their aches & pains. They pour out their soul to me & in return I feel as though I have to be strong & confident & keep that trend going. 

Don’t you ever feel incredibly inspired like you can do almost anything? Like jump out of a plane after listening to a good song? Maybe that’s just me after hearing good music… But in those moments of strength, I feel empowered. And isn’t that what life is all about? Iron sharpers Iron. I know it’s crazy to say Tupac or Eminem can move most people, but this morning I felt I was supposed to turn them both on. So I did. 

& sure, people will wonder why this girl who likes worship music & Gavin Degraw, will listen to them. But assuming things is a really unhealthy thing. I don’t agree with some of the ways they talk, or words they use. I don’t always agree with the lifestyle they brag about sometimes… But we are who we are. And who am I to judge someone? Especially since we’re all broken, all the time. And If people disrespect or look down on me, because of the music I like? Well, so be it.

Eminem & Tupac have souls. We all do. & They both move me. They are genius. Sure, a little rough around the edges. But have you ever stopped judging & just REALLY listened to their words? I don’t just mean this for them, but any artist really. It’s easy to pass up the lyrics, because most time they don’t make sense. But these guys? They cry out life. & share their wounds, for EVERYONE to hear. To learn from. To be moved from. To learn that Love is really the answer to everything.

 

What’s some music that moves you? Do you feel guilty for liking it?

Just some morning thoughts, as I listen to these guys…

Did I make any sense?

 

-MW

He wasn’t a perfect gentlemen to me, but I loved him.

I’ve recently been posting more bold statements on my Facebook page. They arent new thoughts to me, but are to some of my ‘friends’. Hear me out. I think if some of my closest friends were to define me, for the most part it would be near encouraging, inspiring, forgiving,  full of love. Thats what I see, but who knows. The girl(me) who normally is a great listener. The one who will be there for you & always lift you up. So I guess it comes off a little surprising when I throw in different versions of who I am.

My post was this, “Our culture has accepted two huge lies. The first is if you disagree or with sometimes lifestyle,  you must fear or hate them. The second is that to love someone means you must believe in everything they believe or do. Both are nonsense.

You dont have to compromise conditions to he compassionate.”

This then started a thread of some thinking it was a politcal or religious stance in compromise,  but really all I meant by it….was what I meant. No reading in between the lines.

See,  I understand love. Or so I think. I understand the crush kinda love, the mutual respect, the real deal. I mean, at least in my experience. Someone else might say differently & they have.

I had love last summer, for several months actually & it wasnt iddylic to an outsider, it wasn’t perfect & I get it.But it was love. I say this because some say I was wrong to love him, that I was blinded. But they’re wrong. See, I knew the love we had wasn’t a bound for life kind of deal at the time.

We were the in the moment, seize the day, adventurer types. Some may find a partner they can do all of this with & be happily looking into a future together. But the thing is, we never looked that far. We never got that chance. Careers & dreams didnt allow for it. Because, if I’m being honest…we wanted what we had been working towards our entire lives more. & we were mature enough to be okay with that.

But the thing that made so many people nervous about us was our free-spirited souls. I didnt worry. I just enjoyed whatever moments God gave me with him. Him & I, we’ll call him….Devin. We didnt have a little fling, it was love. A different kind. Devin is mystical. He is the most Intelligent man I’ve ever known. I’ve never been able to sit with another human being & converse so intellectually & just feel on fire for life after 8 hours. With him I could.

Devin was compassionate. He was sensitive. Caring. Full of joy. Intellectual. Respectful. Inspiring. But he was also broken. & at the time we met I believe a bit of us was searching for the other. You’ve all had that one person, right?? 

I sometimes think back on words on fire exchanged between us & wish I could hear him saying them. It brings me such happiness knowing we found each other. That for a portion of time we showered the love we were blessed with. He challeneged me, I believed in him. I encouraged him, he lifted me up.

Now, my point is…. he may not have every bible scripture memorized, nor go to church every Sunday. But is that any less reason for me not to love him? I understand the importance of a man pointing you to God, as I do pursuing him myself. But wouldn’t it be judgemental of me not to give him a chance? 

I get heated when I’m told he was bad for me, because really… he ended up bringing out the best in me. He pushed me further into my dreams, he made me believe in myself again. & even though his words werent biblical, or always the most delicate, they meant something to me. He meant something to me.

My memories of him will always be sweet. Sometimes I feel a spark in my heart & think of him. I know he sends me love throughout the day. He still makes it known he misses me. Maybe, someday…we’ll meet & reminisce. Maybe, someday we’ll take another adventure. Maybe, someday he’ll say he loves me again..

Maybe, someday..

& sometimes that’s all you can hope for, hide that wish away… as you continue to live your life.

& I’m not entirely sure why I felt the need to vent to social media. But I did. Haha

-MW

I found him in aisle 3.

I went shopping late last night. I needed some coffee for the next day, so I debated among the countless amounts of options there were. I smelled each one. as I studied the boxes they came in. Sometimes I choose baised on the fancy fun names. I know, don’t just a book by it’s cover. But sometimes that’s the fun way to do things. I didn’t realize until a few minutes in, I would need a cart. I always do this. I’ll walk around the grocery store slowly picking things, until my arms are so full… you’d think I was having a contest with myself on how much I could carry. I never got a cart. It made me feel somewhat accomplished. & even though those few people doing late night shopping as well, gave me a look… I felt different. Good.

I was minding my own business, quietly selecting what I thought I needed for the next few days. I really don’t need much. There was a sense of peace in a grocery store that only had a few wanderers late at night. I was making my way down a few aisles, when Aisle 3 stopped me in my tracks. I saw a man. He was eldery. I would say in his late 70’s or 80’s. He was dressed in a suit. Quietly selecting items, comparing two items to see the difference. I got sad. I mean, like the feeling in your throat where you’re about to tear up? Me. The feeling that your heart aches for another & you just want to go & give them a hug? Me.

My thoughts were he didn’t want to shop in the busy of the day, because he’s slower these days & likes doesn’t like to be rushed. Or his wife at home (if he had one still living) was taken care of & in bed, so he was able to head out & grab what they needed for next few weeks. Maybe he’s single & as the years climb, solitary activities are best for him–where he can reflect on all he’s done. Or quite possibly his wife passed. Either way, I felt an immense feeling of sadness for this man. I wanted to become his friend. I’m not entirely sure why he was brought onto my heart as he was, but I believe I’m meant to pray for him. Even if he never finds out.

Does this make me strange? Maybe. Does anyone else ever have these thoughts are people sometimes? That you just feel their pain. That you want to go up to them & cry with them. To sympathyze with & weep with them.

I am qucikly learing in my almost 26th year of life in a few days, that that’s what it’s all about.
You know that verse in the Bible that says “Jesus Wept.” You can find it in John 11:35. If you’re unaware what it means, it’s just stating that Jesus weeps for us. He is there in our pain. In our discomfort. In our aches. In our struggles. In our heartache. & He had gives me people throughout my days that I should weep for. For my heart to break fro what breaks his. & I’m okay with that. But, are you? Do you listen to any voices but yout own? Are you okay with it? That voice, it’s mean’t to be heard. Don’t bury it.

Wrecked.

If you know me at all, you’ll come to know I love books. I love everything about them. The scent, the feel, the body, everything. I was given the day off by my boss today, so what do I do? I venture over to the fabulous B&N where one could get lost for hours.

I could venture into any genre of books, but I generally fall towards Self-Help & Christian Inspiration. These are where my people are. My sisters & brothers of the World whom I’ve yet to meet. The ones who whisper me secrets through the pages of their Journey. Who will out pour page after page of misery followed by mercy of our maker.

I came across two books today that made my heart skip a beat. Chivalry by Zach Hunter(which I only read 5 pages of so far, that marks my approval on buying or not) & lets all be brave: Living Life with Everything You Have by Annie f. Downs. This woman is a powerhouse, an absolute force to be reckoned with. I have never Annie, but I hope to on one of my adventures in Nashville. That, that would be splendid. Annie has a voice that speaks volumes of truth into the deepest aches of your soul. She has been through pain, confusion & heartache… yet always choose joy, love, life. That is my kinda girl.

Somehow I was led to her words. Someone upstairs may have thought I needed them. My day has been full of an outpour of cries, pain, remmeberance & anger. & I’m left with pieceing together the simple question that comes to mind, “Why?” Why did I choose Zach & Annie off the shelf of hundreds of writers? Why do her words hit my heart like a dagger just went through it, but I was meant to feel her pain? How come I can cry at words of a stranger I’ve never met? Why is her journey making me question mine?

I have felt many memories of pain & overwhelming love come back to me in a roundabout way today. I now know why I was meant to find these souls, their words & make sense of them & apply them to my journey. They in part reflect a bit of who I am, or who I was. Which brings me to the main reason for my tears today. Robin Williams. I was leaving work when I had been informed of his death & speculation was it may have been suicide. I left work, unlocked my car & fell. Fell into the drivers side seat of my car & wept. Tears glistening down my cheek crying. At first I didn’t understand why. I’ve never met this man. I don’t know his favorite color, let alone his middle name. But I did know him. I do know him.

I never did have the chance to feel the warmth he brought to the Thanksgiving table, or be able to walk down the sidewalk asking him what dreams he had that I wasn’t aware of. I never got to give him a hug to say thank you. Your life is appreciated, more than you know. & I will do whatever it takes to make sure I never see you unhappy.

The thing is, for as long as Robin Williams was around… he has deeply impacted my life. He has brought me endless laughther, gut-wrenching cries, light, & lots of love. But more importantly, made me feel like a friend. He was fearless in letting people in & always chose joy. This mans love, is one to emulate.

& as I’ve had tears falling since I found out till now, I have been asked several times… why? Why has his death affected you so heavily? You don’t even know him. & believe me when I said I have never cried so many tears for a man I’ve never met. But I knew him. I connected to his art, to his joy & zest for life, to his always wanting people to feel love, & to his depression. I struggled heavily, with near paralyzing anxiety & depression for 10 years. I know how he felt. I’ve been to the depths of that pain & it can be crippling. I know how it is when you don’t feel loved enough. The feeling of being misunderstood. Feeling like an outcast. The pain & angst of feeling like you’re living someone else’s life, like you don’t belong. Where everyday to simply get out a bed is struggle & leaving the house is a victory. Where you feel lost & numb. I get it. I really do.

& maybe you’re wondering why I even wrote this. I don’t know. But I had to put my thoughts down so I could share with those I love & even those I don’t know… that love is louder. Love wins every single time. You are worth more than the thoughts that plague you. You are worth so freaking much more. If you just hold on & wait for the promises of tomorrow, it gets better. I took everyday during the midst of my pain, in stride. I made baby step goals & won those small victories daily. I also fought like hell. I’ve seen countless amounts of therapists, psychologists, counselors, & psychicatrists from the young age of 11 till a few years ago (I’ll be 26 in a few weeks). I talked to everyone who would listen & even those who wouldn’t understand. I cried, a lot. I can’t even tell you how many tears I’ve shed in my life. But I’m willing to bet 110% more than you. That’s not me bragging. I wish my struggles of defeat on no one. I journaled, a lot. I threw fits. I got mad. I prayed to God for mercy, for healing, for it to all go away. I’ve prayed the prayer for him to take my life after another battle was lost on my end, countless times. I bought many, many amounts of books on Healing, Meditation, Yoga, Self-Help. I tried it all.

When I think about my past, I’m not bitter. I did miss out on a lot of things because I allowed fear to win. & this says a lot because I was a God-fearing child growing up. God was my homie, he still is. But for a very long time I ignored him like a child does a parent when they’re selfish & don’t see the bigger meaning of the story. Until my stubborness subsided & I’m incredibly stubborn… I was able to see what my Journey has been teaching me all along.

To help. To love. To let light shine through me. To love fiercly, even if I’ve never met the person. To guide others. To encourage & lift up lost souls. To help others find their meaning. To point & stir hearts that are broken to healing. To shine mercy when it’s not necessairly deserved. To forgive. To be a gentle soul. & remember we all face similar battles everyday. We all need that one person who is willing to sit, listen– but really hear what were saying. I’m that girl. That is the girl I strive to be daily. & If I fail, hopefully I’ll be given another day. If not, I’ll know I loved to the greatest of my ability.

Depression. Anxiety. Both battles are no joke & not meant to be taken lightly. I am filled with happiness knowing Mr. Williams is no longer in a place of pain, but I am torn & deeply saddened that he thought there was no healing on Earth. Because I get it, truly I do. & I hope to be able to save a few lives along my journey. To love others when no one else would. To have our father break my heart, for what breaks his. I hope to love & let them know their true worth. & if you’re needing a big of that encouragement right now….

Leave a comment & I’ll get back to you.

Until next time,

Love fiercly.