If you know me at all, you’ll come to know I love books. I love everything about them. The scent, the feel, the body, everything. I was given the day off by my boss today, so what do I do? I venture over to the fabulous B&N where one could get lost for hours.
I could venture into any genre of books, but I generally fall towards Self-Help & Christian Inspiration. These are where my people are. My sisters & brothers of the World whom I’ve yet to meet. The ones who whisper me secrets through the pages of their Journey. Who will out pour page after page of misery followed by mercy of our maker.
I came across two books today that made my heart skip a beat. Chivalry by Zach Hunter(which I only read 5 pages of so far, that marks my approval on buying or not) & lets all be brave: Living Life with Everything You Have by Annie f. Downs. This woman is a powerhouse, an absolute force to be reckoned with. I have never Annie, but I hope to on one of my adventures in Nashville. That, that would be splendid. Annie has a voice that speaks volumes of truth into the deepest aches of your soul. She has been through pain, confusion & heartache… yet always choose joy, love, life. That is my kinda girl.
Somehow I was led to her words. Someone upstairs may have thought I needed them. My day has been full of an outpour of cries, pain, remmeberance & anger. & I’m left with pieceing together the simple question that comes to mind, “Why?” Why did I choose Zach & Annie off the shelf of hundreds of writers? Why do her words hit my heart like a dagger just went through it, but I was meant to feel her pain? How come I can cry at words of a stranger I’ve never met? Why is her journey making me question mine?
I have felt many memories of pain & overwhelming love come back to me in a roundabout way today. I now know why I was meant to find these souls, their words & make sense of them & apply them to my journey. They in part reflect a bit of who I am, or who I was. Which brings me to the main reason for my tears today. Robin Williams. I was leaving work when I had been informed of his death & speculation was it may have been suicide. I left work, unlocked my car & fell. Fell into the drivers side seat of my car & wept. Tears glistening down my cheek crying. At first I didn’t understand why. I’ve never met this man. I don’t know his favorite color, let alone his middle name. But I did know him. I do know him.
I never did have the chance to feel the warmth he brought to the Thanksgiving table, or be able to walk down the sidewalk asking him what dreams he had that I wasn’t aware of. I never got to give him a hug to say thank you. Your life is appreciated, more than you know. & I will do whatever it takes to make sure I never see you unhappy.
The thing is, for as long as Robin Williams was around… he has deeply impacted my life. He has brought me endless laughther, gut-wrenching cries, light, & lots of love. But more importantly, made me feel like a friend. He was fearless in letting people in & always chose joy. This mans love, is one to emulate.
& as I’ve had tears falling since I found out till now, I have been asked several times… why? Why has his death affected you so heavily? You don’t even know him. & believe me when I said I have never cried so many tears for a man I’ve never met. But I knew him. I connected to his art, to his joy & zest for life, to his always wanting people to feel love, & to his depression. I struggled heavily, with near paralyzing anxiety & depression for 10 years. I know how he felt. I’ve been to the depths of that pain & it can be crippling. I know how it is when you don’t feel loved enough. The feeling of being misunderstood. Feeling like an outcast. The pain & angst of feeling like you’re living someone else’s life, like you don’t belong. Where everyday to simply get out a bed is struggle & leaving the house is a victory. Where you feel lost & numb. I get it. I really do.
& maybe you’re wondering why I even wrote this. I don’t know. But I had to put my thoughts down so I could share with those I love & even those I don’t know… that love is louder. Love wins every single time. You are worth more than the thoughts that plague you. You are worth so freaking much more. If you just hold on & wait for the promises of tomorrow, it gets better. I took everyday during the midst of my pain, in stride. I made baby step goals & won those small victories daily. I also fought like hell. I’ve seen countless amounts of therapists, psychologists, counselors, & psychicatrists from the young age of 11 till a few years ago (I’ll be 26 in a few weeks). I talked to everyone who would listen & even those who wouldn’t understand. I cried, a lot. I can’t even tell you how many tears I’ve shed in my life. But I’m willing to bet 110% more than you. That’s not me bragging. I wish my struggles of defeat on no one. I journaled, a lot. I threw fits. I got mad. I prayed to God for mercy, for healing, for it to all go away. I’ve prayed the prayer for him to take my life after another battle was lost on my end, countless times. I bought many, many amounts of books on Healing, Meditation, Yoga, Self-Help. I tried it all.
When I think about my past, I’m not bitter. I did miss out on a lot of things because I allowed fear to win. & this says a lot because I was a God-fearing child growing up. God was my homie, he still is. But for a very long time I ignored him like a child does a parent when they’re selfish & don’t see the bigger meaning of the story. Until my stubborness subsided & I’m incredibly stubborn… I was able to see what my Journey has been teaching me all along.
To help. To love. To let light shine through me. To love fiercly, even if I’ve never met the person. To guide others. To encourage & lift up lost souls. To help others find their meaning. To point & stir hearts that are broken to healing. To shine mercy when it’s not necessairly deserved. To forgive. To be a gentle soul. & remember we all face similar battles everyday. We all need that one person who is willing to sit, listen– but really hear what were saying. I’m that girl. That is the girl I strive to be daily. & If I fail, hopefully I’ll be given another day. If not, I’ll know I loved to the greatest of my ability.
Depression. Anxiety. Both battles are no joke & not meant to be taken lightly. I am filled with happiness knowing Mr. Williams is no longer in a place of pain, but I am torn & deeply saddened that he thought there was no healing on Earth. Because I get it, truly I do. & I hope to be able to save a few lives along my journey. To love others when no one else would. To have our father break my heart, for what breaks his. I hope to love & let them know their true worth. & if you’re needing a big of that encouragement right now….
Leave a comment & I’ll get back to you.
Until next time,