I wish anxiety was a stranger to my life.

Anxiety.
It could define your life differently then mine & I bet it does.
I have battled anxiety for about 10 years on & off.
No I’m not on any medication, but in the past I tried several.
It used to consume my life.
My friends would beg me to come out, I wouldnt want to, instead I would be curled up on the couch wishing I had the ability to.
I would go to concerts & end up hiding in the bathroom, baseball games that had me heavily breathing on the ramps..
Fleeing from anything that would be normal & or should have me feeling safe.
Ive learned how to control it, mostly.
Im not crippled on my couch in my home-havent been for years.
I am a social butterfly.
I think I always have been.
But baby, in the midst of my angst…
I never thought I’d feel peace.
I never thought I’d want to eat again, ot enjoy it for that matter.
I was angry for a long time.
I was upset with God.
I was restless & worn.
How was he going to put me on Earth & let me feel so useless in life?
So disconnected to my family,  my world?
I still question why he allows me to feel this way at times.
Ive suffered & I know have affected my family heavily with my issue.
I always felt so far away from them because no matter how many times I cried out or tried to explain, no one ever seemed to understand me.
Im very good with words, but for once in my life I didnt know how to use them.
So after a couple years of trying to let them in & let them try to understand,  I shut them out.
I dealt with a lot of it alone.
I felt like even my psychiatrist never fully got me, medically she said I was chemically imbalanced.
I would run to try many kinds of relief.
Trying to explain to my friends without them thinking I’m crazy.
Drinking to the point of blacking out, so I could forget my worries for a night.
Pills ( prescriptions,  of course).
Therapy.
Church.
Anxiety support groups.
Literally everything.
& then I came to realize,
No one on this Earth will get it..
The pain I’ve fallen into & I have to stop hoping someone will.
I have to run into the Lords arms & surrender eveything to him.
Because he gets it. He knows my heart.
Hes using this for the better good of my life. It may have almost ruined me, but hes never left my side..even during my darkest nights.. & there were many.
I mentally blocked out most of those nights, as they were painful enough.
But I’ll never forget them.
Pacing back & forth for hours.
Unable to breathe.
Hyperventilating.
Crying until I fell asleep.
Sweating.
Feeling my heart literally almost burst from my chest.
Praying that God would just take my life.
Throwing things because I didnt understand.
Ending up in the ER with fear of a heart attack.
Dear Lord, I’ve been through it all.
But he’s always been there & always will be. Even when I dont understand. Even when it hurts.
Those days where ache was constant all day have long passed, but I have different forms of anxiety now.
I am okay in knowing God had instilled this in my life, not as a punishment…. but as a tool.
I have such a caring heart for people. I’m so much more understanding & considerate of others pain because of it. I am the last person to judge you & the first to give you a big hug to let you know you’ll be okay. I’ll help you get there. I have a great ear for listening & truly hearing you. If I dont understand at first,  I will have you explain till I do or dig myself. You deserve to feel so unbelievably comfortable in your own skin. & if I can be a part of that process, of helping you heal, I’d love it if you let me in. Yes, its scary & you dont want to feel like an alien. But I promise,  in my presence…you’ll feel more secure about who you are. & if you dont, then I wont leave until you do.

It’s ironic I’ve struggled with so much pain. It’s made me much stronger.
& although I’ve felt so weak over the years, like this pitiful creature who is completely useless… others have viewed me very different.

I’ve been told how inspiring & encouraging I’ve been.
How people see the kind of person I am & are envious with how I’m so comfortable with myself.
How no matter what kind of pain I’m holding, I’m always bright & bubbly.
That no matter how I feel, I always make sure those around me know my love for them. That they feel special,  unique,  appreciated. But this isnt meant to praise me, I promise.

I urge you to get out of your head. Its toxic in times of anxiety. Dive into fulfilling friendships, find a mentor, pray with someone, have someone hold you accountable with your thoughts, maybe a life coach. Don’t beg for attention or validation about who you are from loved ones, but make them aware how you want them in your life. How you need them.  Dont live in your head. Because I did & looking back,  I could have reached out for more help.
But I did, just the route of my heavenly father. Trusting in him has been a struggle,  but worth it. Hes gotten me past many fears this year & if I didnt leap into faith, I’d never get over them.

Guys,  I’m not sure if im making much sense to you… but I hope you grab something from this. & know you’re loved. You’re unique. You’re wondefully made. & your setbacks will make you  stronger. They are for a reason. Believe you can overcome them. I never thought I could in the beginning,  now here I am. “)

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