My one & only,
but I don’t have just one…
& neither do you.
Ladies & Gents,
I have been taught many lessons in the past year.
Some of falling in love, of heartbreak, or having to let go & say goodbye.
But I have learned so much.
Every time I come across a guy who I end up falling for (this doesn’t happen often for me)
I end up falling unbelievably hard.
I fall so hard that it ends up lifting me back up.
Love has never come easy for me, not because I’m bad at relationships…. but I’m the pickiest EVER.
Any of my friends can vouch for me & honestly, it’s not something I’m proud of… it’s just how I’ve always been.
I’ve had two serious relationships & I’m 25 years old..
I’m the type of person who’s friends try to set me up on blind dates all the time.
They tell me I have so much love to give, why won’t I just “be” in one?
So why am I single? Because I refuse to be with someone who is only for me because it’s convenient.
My last love set the standards even higher then I would have hoped for.
We had a true love & it’s one that I’ll never forget.
He made me a priority. He had me feeling important.
He gave me my space. He didn’t cling. He wasn’t demanding.
& we didn’t argue.
He could put up a mean debate when him & I got into a heavy conversation, but that I liked.
He was uplifting. He encouraged me.
I loved him 120%. I accepted all his flaws. All his fears. All his mistakes that he held onto, I helped them fall away.
I’m pretty sure it’s how he was able to love me so.
I’ve found in my relationships that if you give your whole heart, no matter if you think their the one… it works wonders.
At first I was just incredibly drawn to this man. I honestly didn’t know what our future looked like & I didn’t care.
I always held onto the moment we were in. Some call me foolish because of it. Most, actually.
But the bliss I felt living in the moment with him? I wouldn’t trade for the world.
I always wanted to live in the moment & never thought I could, until I met him.
Now some of my thoughts & decisions were a bit irrational, because I didn’t give myself much time to think.
But others were incredibly fulfilling & everything I could have hoped for.
Did my heart break? Absolutely. Was I overwhelmed with feelings I didn’t know existed? Yes. Would I do it all over again? You bet your ass I would.
In my last post it explains how our paths split ways in the most precious of ways.
Do any of you remember the saying, “If you love someone, let them go & if they love you, they’ll come back?”
Or something like that…
Well that saying always stumped me, because I thought if someone REALLY loved me with every bit of their being…. they didn’t need to leave me. It doesn’t make any sense. Until now.
I think one of the most truest, pure kinds of love… is letting someone go. Him & I both went separate ways with the fullest amount of love in our hearts for each other. It was incredibly difficult & still is 7 months later. We still talk once a week. The love still remains, but we had to venture out on our own to go after the dreams we’ve always had. I wish they would have kept us in the same state, but fate had a different plan.
Back to the point, letting go of the best love you have….seems more freeing then when you had it. Because the immense amount of love still remains in my heart. I wasn’t viciously hurt, I wasn’t cheated on, nothing negative happened. I felt as though I could conquer anything & any love that came my way… if I got over the initial pain of missing him every second. & I did, I can.
My heart has stretched & molded more in the past year, then it ever has. Year 25 has been my favorite. Of self exploration, driving 1900 miles alone & exploration in love.
I am ever thankful for his love,
I always will be.
If he came back to me in a time where the world aligned our love again,
I would welcome him with open arms.
If, however; the world keeps us apart…
I will be ever thankful for him & would be fine then too.
& I want you to know it’s not because my love for him wasn’t true. I honestly feel it’s the truest of loves I’ve ever had. I think of him everyday, & it’s going on 8 months of being apart. Should I stay his friend as I am now & talk once a week? Should him & I continue to email each other when we come across a favorite in the nearest bookstore? Or sending each other the weird news article we both just read online? I don’t know. I think I cling to the unknown, because my heart is more open to meeting people now. I know that heartache is possible, but so is giving someone your heart & letting them guard it.
Guys, I don’t know.
I feel in love with love.
Maybe I’m ridiculous.
Maybe I’m a bit crazy.
But frankly, I don’t care.