Self conscious.

Bubbly.
Loud laugh.
Courageous.
Caring.
Loving.
Forgiving.
Selfless
Beautiful.
Ugly.
Disgusting.
Hideous.
Annoying.
Selfish.
Overwhelming.
Impatient.

I can tell you which list my mind wanders to most often, or did in the past. I have been overwhelmed with a fairly large amount of love lately. The kind of love that is kind, generous & unconditional. Not the romantic hold-your-hand-down-the-beach kind, but the I’ll always believe in you & never leave you family/friend love.

I frequently preach on Love. What I think it feels like,  how it should be..
But I fear the Love I want doesnt exsist. Or the love I want,  I’ll never feel.

I have had endless amount of love coming from my friends in praise, in comfort & just encouraging words lately. 

Telling me “you’re beautiful.” “Youre so pretty” “you’re lovely”…”you have such a beautiful laugh.” “Youre the most inspirational person to me right now.” “I adore you so much.” “I think the world of you.”

I kid you not. All these things have been said to be consistently over the past month or so. I dont get it. Really. Am I looking at the same reflection in the mirror as everyone see’s? In no way at all am I looking for pity,  I’m not. Im confused. I’ve never seen myself as any of the things on my first list. I’ve never seen what my friends see. I honestly dont know why I cant. I honestly try.
But I cringe looking in the mirror.

I dont think I’m the most hideous thing thats walked the planet. But I find myself as the ugliest friend in the group….more often then not.

Where does this stem from?
Am I really how I see myself?
How come I havent been able to feel how God see’s me?

I dont know if anyone reads this…
Or if you’re religious,  but honestly..
He views me & you as a beautiful,  fearful, wonderfully made. So in my heart, why do I refuse it?
Do I need constant admiration & encouragement?
Someone whispering behind me, “you’re worth it…”
Would be nice. Right?
God is.
Hes telling me everyday.
“You receive the love you believe you deserve.”
Come again God?
“You receive the love you believe you deserve.”
This has been what God’s laying on my heart.
& he’s right.
The devil has been fighting a good fight with me lately.
It’s wearing me down & helping me rise against him at the same time.
He is like a leech when you allow him to get in your head & believe you’re anything less then a beautiful,  precious,  unique gift to this life…to this world.
Turn your cheek from him & believe every good word of God. Cling to him daily. In waking up, while getting ready for your day, on your lunch break, praise him when you’d normally log onto Facebook. Before you fall asleep.
Im not saying every second,  but moments throughout the day…just check in.
That guidance & accountability will help you keep with the positive where your heart can expand, instead of allowing it to break.
I promise.
Its hard.
Its gut wrenching.
It will break you in the best of ways.
Allow him to mold your heart.
To alter your heart.
To renew your mind.
But help him.
He wants you to change.
Believe.
Even in your darkest days.
Even when it seems like God is fleeing from you.
When you’re not getting any answers,
Stay.
Pray.
Pray.
Pray.

& fall into his promises.
You are not of this world my dear,
Youre a unicorn in a world of zombies. 
So stop acting like youre unworthy & start allowing grace to take hold.

Xoxo

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I wish anxiety was a stranger to my life.

Anxiety.
It could define your life differently then mine & I bet it does.
I have battled anxiety for about 10 years on & off.
No I’m not on any medication, but in the past I tried several.
It used to consume my life.
My friends would beg me to come out, I wouldnt want to, instead I would be curled up on the couch wishing I had the ability to.
I would go to concerts & end up hiding in the bathroom, baseball games that had me heavily breathing on the ramps..
Fleeing from anything that would be normal & or should have me feeling safe.
Ive learned how to control it, mostly.
Im not crippled on my couch in my home-havent been for years.
I am a social butterfly.
I think I always have been.
But baby, in the midst of my angst…
I never thought I’d feel peace.
I never thought I’d want to eat again, ot enjoy it for that matter.
I was angry for a long time.
I was upset with God.
I was restless & worn.
How was he going to put me on Earth & let me feel so useless in life?
So disconnected to my family,  my world?
I still question why he allows me to feel this way at times.
Ive suffered & I know have affected my family heavily with my issue.
I always felt so far away from them because no matter how many times I cried out or tried to explain, no one ever seemed to understand me.
Im very good with words, but for once in my life I didnt know how to use them.
So after a couple years of trying to let them in & let them try to understand,  I shut them out.
I dealt with a lot of it alone.
I felt like even my psychiatrist never fully got me, medically she said I was chemically imbalanced.
I would run to try many kinds of relief.
Trying to explain to my friends without them thinking I’m crazy.
Drinking to the point of blacking out, so I could forget my worries for a night.
Pills ( prescriptions,  of course).
Therapy.
Church.
Anxiety support groups.
Literally everything.
& then I came to realize,
No one on this Earth will get it..
The pain I’ve fallen into & I have to stop hoping someone will.
I have to run into the Lords arms & surrender eveything to him.
Because he gets it. He knows my heart.
Hes using this for the better good of my life. It may have almost ruined me, but hes never left my side..even during my darkest nights.. & there were many.
I mentally blocked out most of those nights, as they were painful enough.
But I’ll never forget them.
Pacing back & forth for hours.
Unable to breathe.
Hyperventilating.
Crying until I fell asleep.
Sweating.
Feeling my heart literally almost burst from my chest.
Praying that God would just take my life.
Throwing things because I didnt understand.
Ending up in the ER with fear of a heart attack.
Dear Lord, I’ve been through it all.
But he’s always been there & always will be. Even when I dont understand. Even when it hurts.
Those days where ache was constant all day have long passed, but I have different forms of anxiety now.
I am okay in knowing God had instilled this in my life, not as a punishment…. but as a tool.
I have such a caring heart for people. I’m so much more understanding & considerate of others pain because of it. I am the last person to judge you & the first to give you a big hug to let you know you’ll be okay. I’ll help you get there. I have a great ear for listening & truly hearing you. If I dont understand at first,  I will have you explain till I do or dig myself. You deserve to feel so unbelievably comfortable in your own skin. & if I can be a part of that process, of helping you heal, I’d love it if you let me in. Yes, its scary & you dont want to feel like an alien. But I promise,  in my presence…you’ll feel more secure about who you are. & if you dont, then I wont leave until you do.

It’s ironic I’ve struggled with so much pain. It’s made me much stronger.
& although I’ve felt so weak over the years, like this pitiful creature who is completely useless… others have viewed me very different.

I’ve been told how inspiring & encouraging I’ve been.
How people see the kind of person I am & are envious with how I’m so comfortable with myself.
How no matter what kind of pain I’m holding, I’m always bright & bubbly.
That no matter how I feel, I always make sure those around me know my love for them. That they feel special,  unique,  appreciated. But this isnt meant to praise me, I promise.

I urge you to get out of your head. Its toxic in times of anxiety. Dive into fulfilling friendships, find a mentor, pray with someone, have someone hold you accountable with your thoughts, maybe a life coach. Don’t beg for attention or validation about who you are from loved ones, but make them aware how you want them in your life. How you need them.  Dont live in your head. Because I did & looking back,  I could have reached out for more help.
But I did, just the route of my heavenly father. Trusting in him has been a struggle,  but worth it. Hes gotten me past many fears this year & if I didnt leap into faith, I’d never get over them.

Guys,  I’m not sure if im making much sense to you… but I hope you grab something from this. & know you’re loved. You’re unique. You’re wondefully made. & your setbacks will make you  stronger. They are for a reason. Believe you can overcome them. I never thought I could in the beginning,  now here I am. “)

Dear Valentine, Don’t be mine.

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My one & only,

but I don’t have just one…

& neither do you.

Ladies & Gents,

I have been taught many lessons in the past year. 

Some of falling in love, of heartbreak, or having to let go & say goodbye.

But I have learned so much.

Every time I come across a guy who I end up falling for (this doesn’t happen often for me)

I end up falling unbelievably hard.

I fall so hard that it ends up lifting me back up.

Love has never come easy for me, not because I’m bad at relationships…. but I’m the pickiest EVER.

Any of my friends can vouch for me & honestly, it’s not something I’m proud of… it’s just how I’ve always been.

I’ve had two serious relationships & I’m 25 years old..

I’m the type of person who’s friends try to set me up on blind dates all the time.

They tell me I have so much love to give, why won’t I just “be” in one?

So why am I single? Because I refuse to be with someone who is only for me because it’s convenient.

My last love set the standards even higher then I would have hoped for.

We had a true love & it’s one that I’ll never forget.

He made me a priority. He had me feeling important.

He gave me my space. He didn’t cling. He wasn’t demanding.

& we didn’t argue. 

He could put up a mean debate when him & I got into a heavy conversation, but that I liked.

He was uplifting. He encouraged me. 

I loved him 120%. I accepted all his flaws. All his fears. All his mistakes that he held onto, I helped them fall away.

I’m pretty sure it’s how he was able to love me so.

I’ve found in my relationships that if you give your whole heart, no matter if you think their the one… it works wonders.

At first I was just incredibly drawn to this man. I honestly didn’t know what our future looked like & I didn’t care.

I always held onto the moment we were in. Some call me foolish because of it. Most, actually.

But the bliss I felt living in the moment with him? I wouldn’t trade for the world.

I always wanted to live in the moment & never thought I could, until I met him.

Now some of my thoughts & decisions were a bit irrational, because I didn’t give myself much time to think.

But others were incredibly fulfilling & everything I could have hoped for.

Did my heart break? Absolutely. Was I overwhelmed with feelings I didn’t know existed? Yes. Would I do it all over again? You bet your ass I would.

In my last post it explains how our paths split ways in the most precious of ways.

Do any of you remember the saying, “If you love someone, let them go & if they love you, they’ll come back?”

Or something like that…

Well that saying always stumped me, because I thought if someone REALLY loved me with every bit of their being…. they didn’t need to leave me. It doesn’t make any sense. Until now.

I think one of the most truest, pure kinds of love… is letting someone go. Him & I both went separate ways with the fullest amount of love in our hearts for each other. It was incredibly difficult & still is 7 months later. We still talk once a week. The love still remains, but we had to venture out on our own to go after the dreams we’ve always had. I wish they would have kept us in the same state, but fate had a different plan.

Back to the point, letting go of the best love you have….seems more freeing then when you had it. Because the immense amount of love still remains in my heart. I wasn’t viciously hurt, I wasn’t cheated on, nothing negative happened. I felt as though I could conquer anything & any love that came my way… if I got over the initial pain of missing him every second. & I did, I can.

My heart has stretched & molded more in the past year, then it ever has. Year 25 has been my favorite. Of self exploration, driving 1900 miles alone & exploration in love.

I am ever thankful for his love,

I always will be.

If he came back to me in a time where the world aligned our love again, 

I would welcome him with open arms.

If, however; the world keeps us apart…

I will be ever thankful for him & would be fine then too.

 

& I want you to know it’s not because my love for him wasn’t true. I honestly feel it’s the truest of loves I’ve ever had. I think of him everyday, & it’s going on 8 months of being apart. Should I stay his friend as I am now & talk once a week? Should him & I continue to email each other when we come across a favorite in the nearest bookstore? Or sending each other the weird news article we both just read online? I don’t know. I think I cling to the unknown, because my heart is more open to meeting people now. I know that heartache is possible, but so is giving someone your heart & letting them guard it.

Guys, I don’t know.

I feel in love with love.

Maybe I’m ridiculous.

Maybe I’m a bit crazy.

But frankly, I don’t care.

🙂