Mr. Happily ever after? I wont wait for you, I already had a version of you.

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Forgive me if the title seems cynical, but ladies & gents…I fear im just being honest.

Im 25. Im female. Ive had a few very good relationships & many almost disasters. Im the type of girl who would rather stay single for a year, then jump hoops with 4 guys trying to find ‘the one’. Im the girl who wont ‘give it up to you’ for any reason. I’m the girl who has had several guys tell me they love me & have only said it back & meant it with two. Does that make me wrong? Let me explain.

I have never been dependent on a man. It’s strange, because growing up in a household where my father worked & my mother stayed at home with us kids- you think I would be. I’m the exact opposite. I’ve seen how gracious & lovely my father has been over these years, but its not necessarily 100% of what I’d want.

Hear me out, I would be far beyond blessed to receive a man like my father & would never turn that man away. But I’d be dependent for different reasons. I dont need a man to validate my emotions & well being in this world. I dont need a man to tell me how intelligent or independent I am. I certainly dont need a man to feel complete.

Most girls my age, I’m afraid, need this. They desire it, they search for it & when they dont get it…. they blame our societies ‘pathetic-excuse-of-a-man’. Ladies, oh ladies… how you’re wrong.  Your perspectice is far off. Im not saying you havent come across a guy who is far from your ideal, but do you even know what you want?

I got out of an almost year relationship about five months ago, so for a season I’ve been single again. Now my ex, he was wonderful. We didnt end in any disagreements,  no one cheated & there was absolutely no hostility. This was the best break up I could have asked for. We didnt grow apart. We didnt hold any hate. We just agreed the next of our adventures had to be without each other, considering we chose different states for them. Now this guy, he was everything.

He challeneged me. Apreciated me. Thought the world of me. Found me incredibly intelligent. Laughed humbly at my honesty, because he’s never met someone so truthful. Felt safe & secure in my presence,  because I accepted all he was… thoughts, flaws, fears & all. Took me on to weirdest dream spots & adventures. He let me in to his world, completely. To be honest? I’ll always love him. This guy was gold for me, even though there were moments I didnt realize it. He came into my life when I needed him & still inspires me to this day.

I can take his worldly flaws & blow them up, out of proportion in an uproar because of how I miss him….during a moment he possibly made me feel inferior or unintelligent. But I wont. I wont do it. Relationships arent perfect by any means, they all have challenging moments. Questionable times where you wonder is this the best thing for me? Am I wasting my time?

If you spend all your time focusing on the negative ladies & gents,  thats what you’ll get. Take your significant other & lift them up. Make them believe in your love & theirs. Help them to succeed in their dreams. Be a good listener. Dont judge them, the world does enough of that. Look at them as though they are your heart. Make them feel special. This life is in your hands for a reason. You have such an immense job to help mold them into the best version of themselves,  whether or not they remain yours. Be gentle. Use your words kindly & appropriately.

& remember, your life is meant to impact others. How do you want them to remember you when you’re no longer a constant in their lives? How do you want them to speak of you to new friends or significant others? Remember that. Always be kind. Stay humble. Love always wins & baby love conquers all.

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When life sways away from what you thought it would be.

It gets even better.

Recently I have been feeling fairly down about my family life. Most of my closest friends have found this odd, considering I strive for a life that shows my family how much they mean to me.. I want them to know how much I love them, not every day, but every second. I care. They’re my heart.

I’ve been feeling disconnected, misunderstood & lonely. I know you can relate. Even though I’ve been spending much time with them, I still feel like there is this magnetic force that won’t allow me any closer, no matter how hard I try to get through. Most of my issues stem from the fear they don’t know how much I love them. But, they KNOW.

They really get it. In my silly little head, I’ve held onto so many assumptions about my family.

Assumptions that make them see me as a failure. I moved across country this year, & moved home 9 months later. I quit my job of three years & found a new one. I had all this money & lost it in the span of a summer, because I’m horrible at saving. I’d rather spend my money on dear friends & experiences, because that’s what I treasure. I treasure experiences, I treasure still moments bursting with love. I treasure laughter. I treasure life. Today, I’m thankful.

Not because the love I hold onto is any different, it’s always been incredible. I just closed my eyes & heart to it. I compared my life to all those around me that seemed to have a better life, a better love. Well when all you see are filtered pictures on facebooks & instagrams, it’s kind of hard not to be jealous. You see the best moments of others lives. We travel & get the best shot. We run into nature, to show were somehow more connected to the Earth. We bond over a cup of coffee, showing pictures of our friends–because we have the best, right? 

I love the love I have, unfiltered. It may be messy. It may take a lot of hard work–more then picking which filter to use to make my life feel better. It may takes hours & dedication of showing up into my loved ones lives everyday, but let me tell you friends… it is WORTH IT.

I recently applied for a nanny job… & I asked my sister to write a reference for me. That she be led to write whatever she may want about me, but that It be honest & not misleading in any way… This is a bit of what she wrote: 

“Michelle has been so amazing with all the kids shes surrounded with.. she’s labeled “my favorite aunt” by all 7 nieces & nephews! My children are also slow with speech development & are undergoing autism screenings. Michelle connects & communicates with them better then anyone I know (along with myself & husband). Michelle is also the most loving, caring & forgiving person I’ve ever met. She see’s the world differently then a lot of people, for the better….. “

Now, I’m not bragging. But this was complete validation in all the things I had previously been questioning about myself. I had thought maybe I wasn’t being forgiving enough of anyone in my life. I had felt like my caring & love for not only those connected to me by blood, but those connected to me by God didn’t know it. I strive to show my love to the world. It may not be perfect, but it’s honest. I don’t care what school you went to, how you look, what failures you label yourself as, what mistakes you’ve made, if you cheated on your last boyfriend or girlfriend, if you just now started school at age 45. I will love you. 

You deserve unconditional love. Whether your husband thinks it, whether your kids make you second guess it, or how about your fiance that’s giving you cold feet? Ah, darling! You’re so wonderful. You have so much potential. If you fear your not full of enough love to share with others? Dive into hobbies, what gives you butterflies? What makes your heart beat faster? What makes you hold a constant smile throughout your day?

I reccommend day dreaming a little. At least 30 min a day. But make sure it’s not constant & you eventually start building towards it. & know that the effort you put into loving you, loving your family & the world– will come back to you! Just live with a tender heart! Yes, even in a world that is as cruel & full of sin as ours…

You’ll bless more lives then you know.

Till next time..