I’m in the winter of my life & the men I meet along the road are my only summer.

8866530487304553_zvY7JdP1_cAt night I fall asleep with visions of myself-dancing & laughing & crying with them. My memories with them are the only thing that sustains me & my only really happy times. I once had a dream of becoming a beautiful writer, but there have been unfortunate events that have taken my dreams & thrown them around the air & my life like leaves falling from a tree during fall…

I don’t really mind, because I know it takes getting everything you’ve ever wanted & then losing them to know what real freedom is.

When the people I know find out about me & how I’m living my life, they ask me why–but there is no use in talking to people with a home. They have no idea what it feels like to seek safety in other people & for home to be wherever you lay your head.

I’ve always been an usual girl.

My mother always told me I had a different soul.

One that connected to many & very little at the same time…where I could pick up & let go wherever I landed in life. I never fully gave anyone or anything my heart.

I have never planned for my life to turn out this way, but it has.

I belong to no one, who belongs to everyone.

Who had nothing, but wanted everything.

I want to breath & drink in every experience.

& I push myself so far away from people,

to the point where it scares me.

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Don’t let it happen..

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Your whole life is ahead of you & you have big plans…

To find your perfect match,

the one that completes you.

But as you get older,

you realize it’s not always that easy..

its not until the end of your life that you realize how the plans you made were simply plans.

Because at the end when you’re looking back instead of forward,

you want to believe you made the most of what life gave you.

you want to believe you’re leaving something good behind.

you want it all to have mattered.

Make it count.

Don’t waste it on something or someone unworthy.

Telling the (Complete) Truth.

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I find most times the truth is the easiest thing to give, yet the hardest. We are very stubborn as humans. We have this idea of what we want others to see, what we want others to think–yet they end up with the most opposite version of our true selves. Telling the truth is different from being honest or not lying. I know a lot of my friends that smile when they’re angry, or act incredibly mean–when in fact they’re actually afraid. How about blaming someone else, when you really feel guilty? This is what I mean by people not telling the truth.

If you want to have a successful relationship with a friend, a family member, a lover, etc– communicating the complete truth about your feelings are essential. I find it the only way to have your relationship grow, to enrich your life & to love whomever with all your heart. A lot of the time we aren’t sure of what we feel, so we don’t give the right feelings to someone.

I know from past experiences, even as of recently. I became a master at hiding the truth about what I’ve been feeling. & let me tell you, it’s nothing I’m proud of–in fact I resent it. We’re all guilty of it. Gradually you become so good at hiding the truth from yourself, you lose touch with what you really feel & even if you want to talk about whats going on inside you–you cant.

I’ve come to realize that my ability to love is comparative to my ability of telling the truth. The more truth there is in my life, the more love I have. Relationships that have complete honesty with communication set you up for a love that becomes pure & unconditional.

We shouldn’t go into relationships looking to compete, because that’s how unhappiness & failure hits. We then want more. We want someone different. Someone who will love us more, cuddle us more, give us more encouragement. Whichever it may be for you–its lies. You can’t grow in a relationship thinking who you’re with is your soul-mate, you always can’t think that what someone else has is what you want. How ugly is it someone would think–well If you don’t tell me the truth, I won’t give you the truth. Relationships can be easy & comfortable…. but self-worth & self-gain should not be your motives. 

Love. You’ve been there.

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Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you incredibly vulnerable. It opens your chest & allows your heart to open so someone can get inside you & mess you up. We build all these kind of defenses, walls, distances between us & them, suiting up for our battles, so nothing can hurt us–then one stupid person, no different from anyone else you’ve ever met, wanders into your life. & when this happens, you give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They just did something dumb one day, like telling you they miss you or telling you how special & different you are… & at that moment, your life is no longer your own. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats away at you, leaving you crying in the darkness–so a simple phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working it’s way into your heart. It hurts. It sends an ache through your body that is almost unexplainable. Not just in your imagination. Not just in your mind. It’s a soul hurt, a real gets inside you & rips you apart pain. I hate love.

The Power of Words.

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Forgive me, but when you say something….shouldn’t you mean it?

Words are my favorite thing. 

They’re beautiful.

They’re delicate.

They’re indispensable.

They touch the heart.

We use them everyday. In reading. In writing. In speaking. They’re an essential part of everyday life… of communicating with one another. I always use mine carefully. They can be used to tear someone down, or encourage them. Words flow through our heart & minds all day long, to be one with the world.

I’m a writer, so of course I believe all these things to be true…right? Sure, but I bet if you ask the person next to you if someone ever said something & never went through with it or mean’t it—they could relate.

We’re all human, we make mistakes. They’re a part of who we are. To learn, to grow, to help, to change, to love.

But when things come down to love, don’t lie. It’s not worth it. When emotions & time are invested into a relationship, it shouldn’t be a game. Words should be used wisely & carefully. I find myself to be different then most when it comes to relationships. I don’t have them, hardly ever. But when I do, it’s because someone has captured my heart in a way that no one has before. In a real way, one that I find worth it & trustworthy..

Are you still with me? 

In simpler words,

It’s not okay to play with love. 

Playing with love, is like playing with fire.

Once there is desire, someone will get burned…

I guess I’m being taught a lesson….

You can’t ever fully trust someone, aside from yourself.

Because the person I thought I knew,

really isn’t that person at all….

& words were the part that changed everything.

Words won’t be ruined for me, because they’re still near & dear to my heart–& the most powerful thing.

But be careful who you trust. Be careful who’s words you want to believe. Because they could be playing you & someone else at the same time….& you might not even know it. 

This is why I stay single. Because I am faithful to myself, I never need to worry about someone tearing me apart or breaking me down. Am I saying I prefer it? No. It’s just safer. It doesn’t allow room for dramatic heartache & mistrust. But I guess that’s the risk we all take in love…